Notions on Being...

It Turns Out

2011-05-29T19:24:00.005-05:00

I thought keeping busy meant keeping happy
But it turns out it's just keeping busy.
And the happy just isn't keeping.

I thought your words would lead to actions
But it turns out they were only words.
And the actions never came.

I thought my prayers would bring me strength
But it turns out they're simply prayers.
And my strength is ever waning.

I thought your promises were sincere
But it turns out they were only promises.
And "sincere" is foreign to you.

I thought your silence could make me hate you
But it turns out I hate your silence.
And hate myself for loving you.

I know now it's all been wishful thinking
But it turns out the knowing is sadly futile.
And hasn't helped me change my thinking.

I know I should move on and forget your name
But it turns out I can't move at all.
And your name is everywhere.

I know my tears should be long dry
But it turns out tears love my reddened cheeks.
And just my mouth is dry.

I can't know what changed your mind
But it turns out the change is real.
And your mind is far from me.

Bridges and Dreams

2011-05-22T00:33:00.006-05:00

Sleep comes too late
When words will not come.
I'm stuck on a track
My mind longs to jump.

Bridges and dreams,
My home and a song...
So many links
To a time that is lost.

There are moments I laugh
And mornings I cry.
Is the joy just deception?
Or salvation from grief.

"This, too, soon shall pass,"
Wiser men say.
But my heart doesn't buy it.
I feel trapped in the pain.

But the goodness of grace,
Comes in truth despite doubt.
Life carries on...
Moon still beckons Sun.

One foot, then the other...
A breath, then one more.
This is all I'm required
I will carry on.

Let's Make Magic

2011-05-18T08:22:00.004-05:00

Last night, my absolutely freakin' lovely friend Ainsley and I met for what I hope is the first of many many many (ad infinitum) "writing sessions." Before we began, I suggested we make this like a Bible study of sorts... except, in this case, our subject will be the written word... our devotional, whatever inspires and encourages our written words.

I got home, my head swimming with ideas and my mind aflame as it hasn't been in far too long. But then I did what I am too often wont to do, and I got distracted by iPhone games, facebook stalking, and IM conversations. And I went to bed a little disappointed that I hadn't actually written anything, but still excited about what tomorrow (well, now, today) would bring.

Then, in the dark, buried under sheets and feathers, as I was praying for sound sleep and a restful night, the following words started clicking across the typewriter of my mind. Lights still out, glasses still resting uselessly on the bedside table, I reached for my phone and typed this into my "Notes" :

--------------------

I'm writing. I'm writing...
Thoughts pour forth from my skull.
This old typewriter is here
To give words to my soul.

I dream of you nightly
And fight not to love it.
I try to medicate you away,
Yet you fight your way through.

For so long I've avoided
Putting you on a page.
I suppose I'm afraid
Of trapping you here.

You're so much more than a poem.
My words cannot capture
The feelings I'm scared of...
And fear you'll never return.

Your silence is haunting.
I miss the lilt of your voice.
This might mean the end...
(bitter)Sweet dreams, here I come.

--------------------

This is the first poem I've written in at least three years... and while it's not very good, I can't begin to describe the feeling of elation I experienced as I texted it to Ainsley... in awe of what had just happened. This sort of thing used to happen to me all the time. Back when I was writing consistently. But again... it's been years. And hot damn... it felt good. It feels good.

See you very soon, pen and paper... typewriter and paper... keyboard and screen.
We're going to be friends again. And we're going to make magic.

Resurrecting the Ruined

2011-04-24T13:50:00.008-05:00

I am a ruiner.
I ruin things.
I ruin the good mind, sweet spirit, and precious relationships God has blessed me with. I ruin these things with sinful and untrue thoughts, anger and unfounded hurt, and overwhelming doubt and insecurity. I struggle daily to believe the one who created me and even died for me truly loves me. How much more difficult to believe that others, as flawed and fallen as I, could possibly love me.

In church this morning, our pastor reminded us that we choose to hide behind locked doors out of fear... fear of so many things. The disciples hid in a rented room behind a locked door because they were afraid to face those who had crucified their friend and teacher... their savior. But Christ conquered death, passed through their locked door, cast it open, and told them it was time to teach, love, and forgive the haters and doubters that lived on the other side. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you. -John 20:21

I hide behind busy-ness and loquaciousness and self deprecation. I doom every good thing before it even has the chance to fully reach me. And my biggest and most horrific fears become self-fulfilled prophecies. There is a voice that lives inside my head that I don't know how to quiet. It tells me to doubt whatever goodness looks in my direction. I desire this goodness so deeply that I allow myself to look at it... sometimes even smile at it. But the voice is always there, reminding me that goodness is not what I deserve... goodness is not to be relied upon... goodness will see me for what I am and abandon me. So I shun the goodness... argue with it... even scoff at it... and eventually drive it away.

And I've come to believe that by doing this, I'm somehow protecting myself. If I ward off the goodness, the goodness can't turn its back on me later... and leave me broken.

But there is good news, even for a ruiner like me. Today (Easter Sunday) we are reminded that Christ not only died for us... He was resurrected for us. Christ was resurrected to show us... He will one day return to resurrect the ruined. Today I was reminded... whatever else I might have ruined, I will never be able to ruin His perfect sacrifice and resurrection. I will never be able to ruin the grace, peace, and forgiveness he has bestowed upon me. I will never be able to shun, argue with, scoff at, or drive away His love. No matter how much I doubt.

And I hope one day I'll be able to accept the earthly goodness He tries to give me. And I pray I'll stop driving it away, too.

I Want to Be Well

2011-01-04T23:10:00.003-06:00

Lately, I can't imagine what "well" even looks like. Most days, I think I get glimpses of it. There are moments I remember happiness... I remember what I (think) I know in my heart to be true. I breathe deeply and sense a peace I've too long forgotten.

Then, moments later, I find myself fighting back nausea induced by my own neurosis. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps my crazy is the reason I've managed to lose so much weight over the last year. I'm rarely hungry because I'm so often nauseated by the notion that everything I hold dear is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

I am perpetually gripped by the idea that I've driven away, hurt or disappointed everyone in my life. And then these thoughts are compounded by evidence I present to myself by replaying (over and over and over again) recent mistakes and awkward encounters, all while dwelling on my many character flaws. Even now, as I'm typing this, I am bemused by my implication that these thoughts are, perhaps, false. And I feel absurdly ashamed at my inability to decipher what's truly the truth.

Day in, day out... this war within my mind rages on. And every day I feel my resistance weakening. Deep down, I know the deprecation and fear are self-induced. Deep down, I know my friends and family love me. Deep down, I know that even if they don't... my life doesn't and my happiness shouldn't depend on it. And yet, the enemy voice seems to grow louder and more insistent. And the evidence he presents becomes ever more convincing. But I must cling to what's truly true. I must find a way to believe what I know despite my crazy.

I want to be well. I really do. No more fuckin' around, Martha. I want to be well. I want to take control of my mind again, once and for all. And I want to kill my mind's enemy before he takes over and the lies he's telling me become my truth. From here on out, there's only room for one voice in here. And I have to believe I'm strong enough to win this war... I have to believe I will be well.

thanks to Sufjan Stevens for the inspiration

I Can't Remember

2010-11-21T17:08:00.007-06:00

I need to start writing again. I need it bad.
For a while now, I've felt pretty lost. No... "pretty lost" is a ridiculous understatement. The truth is... I don't even know who I am anymore.

I've been unemployed for almost eight months. I started looking into grad school... but I was cutting it too close as far as deadlines, and I've made the decision to hold out and look into next fall as a possibility. I'm completely broke, in massive debt, and need to figure out a new living situation very soon.

The therapist I mentioned in my last post thinks I should consider moving out of Dallas... out of Texas even. She said I'm not like anyone she knows here, and while moving away is never a solution in itself...maybe I'll be happier, more content and at home somewhere else.

I don't know that this is true, necessarily. But it's made me wonder.

Really, I think it's that I no longer seem to be living my own life. I have a part-time job at Anthropologie... but retail (especially in expensive women's apparel) doesn't interest me in the slightest. And yet, I've found myself trying to think and look more fashionable, and I talk (or complain) about work like I've never done before. I find caring about these things (clothes and makeup and style in general) to be pretty mindless... and yet it's the only thing I can think to find my identity in these days.

That and being my roommate's roommate. I schedule my life around what my roommate's doing, and I have no idea why. I think this would bother (perhaps even anger) him greatly if he realized... it bothers me greatly, in fact. But because I seem to have forgotten what my life once was, I can't make myself stop. I lived alone for years, and yet I can't remember how I used to fill my time. I was extremely independent before the guys moved in last year... and I'm pretty sure I stayed that way for at least a few months into the situation. Yet, looking back... I can't remember what it was I did. How I filled my time (aside from work, of course) or kept myself fulfilled. And yet... I know for certain I was far more content and productive back then.

I was also probably far more interesting. I don't know if this is true, but I can't imagine otherwise. I had interests once... I was passionate about certain things... I was involved. But in what, I can't remember. And it's pretty damn terrifying.

There was also a time not so very long ago when I was invested in my faith. My life revolved around it. It wasn't easy... but I knew what joy felt like, even in the hard times. I don't anymore. I've recognized for a few months now how sleepy I am in my faith... and yet, I can't figure out how to wake up. I don't remember how to pray... I miss church more often than not (often for valid reasons, but sometimes for no real reason at all)... I no longer participate in extracurricular activities with my church friends. And it's been such a drastic downhill slide, that I'm afraid I've lost the strength to start the climb back up.

So yeah... I can't remember who I am. Who is Martha Elaine Belden? Because I can't remember... can you?

Visions

2010-08-24T19:35:00.006-05:00

I recently started seeing a therapist after deciding perhaps it's time I start dealing with all this life has given me. For the most part, I consider myself an enormously blessed young lady. I don't think I need to go to any great lengths to prove this (amazing family, incredible [and countless] friends, a roof over my head, food on my table, beautiful music to listen to, etc. etc.). But I've certainly been handed my fair share of trials and tribulations as well. And there are times I surrender to that self pitying voice we all try to ignore and allow myself to believe maybe I've been handed more than my fair share. Unfortunately, over the last several months that stupid voice has grown louder and louder, and finally the tears and the petty anger have driven me to seek help.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that therapy is only for those suffering from self pity's nagging voice or that it's anything to be ashamed of. I think I should have started talking to someone a long time ago. Perhaps if I had, I wouldn't have spent so many months crying myself to sleep or getting pissed off at my friends for quite literally nothing at all.

In the last seven years, I've been diagnosed with two chronic illnesses... one that almost killed me last November. I've been hospitalized at least once a year over those seven years and suffered innumerable strange symptoms and relapses. I've done chemo twice and taken copious amounts of steroids. I've been in a horrific car accident that should have taken my life. I've had my heart broken twice (once in the last six months). And I've lost at least three jobs (most recently in March) within months of hospital stays or chemo treatments. It's been a long seven years.

And it's finally caught up to me. I want to quiet that voice and remember all the beauty in my life. And my hope is that therapy is one step in that direction. I've only been once so far, but she's already opened my eyes to things I thought I already understood. The most surprising, perhaps, was her interpretation of a vision I shared with her.

Occasionally, when I'm seriously grappling with something in my life, I suddenly am struck with what I can only refer to as a vision. A few years ago, for example, I got caught up in a web of gossip brutalizing a friend who'd hurt and insulted me. Because I felt wronged, it took me some time before I began to realize how cruel my own actions were. While processing through all I had done and said, I began to visualize my sin and its effects on myself and everyone around me. I wrote it down here, and I still refer back to it when I feel myself slipping into bad ways.

The vision I had most recently came to me as I was driving down Mockingbird, contemplating the poor state of my heart and the awful habit I have of trying to shove said heart into the hands of so many friendly menfolk who wear a comely beard. One moment I was staring into the canopy of trees beckoning me home and fighting back frustrated tears... the next I was staring into the eyes of an eager child in a lovely dress, holding a beautifully wrapped and ribboned package. She was flitting to and fro handing the package to every passerby only to have the gift shoved back into her hands each time a little more worse for the wear. Finally, when the package was no longer recognizable, the tearful child unwrapped the gift, rewrapped it, and held it high in the air with her eyes shut tight. I blinked a few times and moved forward through the green light in front of me.

As I made my way home, I realized this little girl was me. I am so eager to find love... to love and be loved... that I too often hand my heart away to well-intentioned (and not-so-well-intentioned) guys who are most often simply seeking the companionship of a friend. And before too very long, I find myself a little more broken than the time before and all too often without even the friendship I was once so grateful for. And it struck me that the little girl in my vision finally realized the solution. I've long been taught to "guard my heart," and without understanding how to do so, I've always considered it brilliant advice. However, with this vision, I finally began to understand. In the end, the little girl finally surrendered her most precious gift to the only one who can truly handle it with care. I realized it's time for me to stop searching for someone to hand my heart to... it's time I hand my heart to God. I have no doubt, He knows what to do with it... who might be worthy of it... who might actually take it lovingly and keep it well. And this vision brought me comfort... even if also a lot of fear and trepidation.

And as my therapist pointed out, to my surprise (I hadn't even begun to consider this picture finding application beyond that of my poor excuse for a love life), this goes for every aspect of my being... everything I do with my life and everywhere I go. God made me wonderfully and uniquely who I am... and He knows best how to use the gifts and interests I possess. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to pry my stubborn fingers from this broken little package and surrender it to His loving hands. I know it's not yet beyond repair... but I'm afraid for any more damage.

Feel What I Feel

2010-03-29T15:17:00.009-05:00

Life really is a funny thing. In fact, I'm a little bewildered by it. About two weeks ago, I wrote that last post... trying to look upon my seemingly dark life with a little optimism and hope. And then a few days later the darkness took over. I lost that job I was so thankful for... this time because the economy and current political climate have taken their toll on the industry I worked for, and I am no longer needed. Regardless of the reasoning, I'm unemployed, and I'm scared.

To make matters worse, someone I love dearly has gone away. He's not gone forever, I hope. And I am trying to believe that he left with good intentions and will come back someday under better circumstances. He's been facing demons of his own, and I'm selfish to wish he was still here. I hope whatever his reasons, he's finding peace and learning to believe in himself again. But he's gone, nonetheless... and he has given me no explanation. I've never hurt for someone so much in my life. I miss him, and I don't know how to get passed it.

It's so difficult to explain pain like what I'm experiencing right now. I've known pain like this in the past; but this time, it's more powerful than anything I've experienced before. When the hurt comes as a result of some infection, wound or sickness... there's typically a solution. An ointment of some kind. Pain killers. Medication. But when the hurt is psychological and takes over your mind, it destroys your ability to think clearly... to remember all the beauty and goodness and love surrounding you... and it seems impossible to find a remedy.

I've done all I can think to do so far... and I'm making it one day at a time. I remind myself as often as I can that things only seem as bad as they are. I still have that lovely home I mentioned. Those wonderful friends I have are all around me and are shining whatever light they can into my darkness. And all hope is not lost. I'm trying to cling to that faith I spoke of. It's still there; but it's been shaken again in its already fragile state, and I'm dealing with it gently right now.

In the midst of my own pain, I've also witnessed a lot of hurt around me recently. I want to be strong for those I love... to give them encouragement and be the shoulder they need to rest on. But I feel selfish and vulnerable and utterly incapable of being the friend, daughter and sister I long to be. My father says I should find some organization to volunteer with... somewhere I can work with people whose situations are far more dire than mine... people who can remind me to find joy in all the beautiful things I have that so many do not. And yet, I don't know that I have the strength. It's a struggle to swing my feet out of bed and stand up each morning, much less do some research and find a place and some people to help. My selfish sadness is terrifying... even though I know I'll come out of it... right now, I just can't see how.

I know I need to let myself feel what I feel right now and continue to just take my life one day at a time... but I want to see the light. I want to smile genuinely again. I want to spend time at home without feeling the agonizing weight of loss. I want to enjoy the company of friends without bursting into tears the moment we part ways. I want to pray and mean it. I want to be strong for the people I love. And I want to feel grateful for all the blessings I know I've been given.

I haven't said any of these things to anyone. My friends know I'm sad... they've seen the tears and my swollen eyes. But I haven't been able (or even tried, really) to articulate the depth of the sadness and hurt I'm living in. So maybe this is the first step. Writing things out has always helped in the past... and I'm hoping it will once again.

Turn On the Light

2010-03-15T11:54:00.008-05:00

Life is a funny thing, isn't it? They say it's for living and that when it's going well and filled with fun, it goes by too quickly. And I would have to say that I agree with those sentiments. On the other hand, however, in its darkest times... it drags and that darkness seems as though it'll never end.

Unfortunately for me (and for anyone reading this) I'm in one of those dark times right now. And let me tell you... time is dragging... and I see no end in sight.

But instead of wallowing here and in an effort to try to find some light at the end of my tunnel, I'm going to take a step back and try to look at my life right now from a different perspective. Because, in all reality, I'm pretty sure life is actually quite peachy.

Let's see here... I have a job. True, things got a little stressful for a while after I got out of the hospital and was gone for more than a month. I almost got fired and had to kick my own butt back into gear to impress upon my boss, a new supervisor, and their boss that I actually want to be here and am capable of working hard despite my sketchy health. It was shocking to find myself on the verge of losing my job after having just suffered a near death, a long-ish hospital stay, and a more prolonged than anyone expected road back to good health. But in the end, I did it. I still have a job, and I think things are looking better than they have since I started a little more than a year ago.

Oh... and while I'm on that... I am in good health. Since the scare in November and that long road back, I haven't had any problems of the ITP, MS, or otherwise evil immune system variety. I still live in fear that something could happen at any moment. I check my hands and arms every few days for tiny pink freckles. I find myself on the verge of tears when I trip over my own words as I so often do, mostly because I talk way too quickly for my own good. And I fight and try to deny the depression that haunts and twists my thoughts. The depression I really should deal with... but otherwise, my health is wonderful right now. And I need to be more grateful.

I have a wonderful home. More friends than I know how to love as well as they deserve. Roommates who challenge me every day... in ways they will probably never understand (some I'm grateful for, some I could live without... but that's part of the challenge, I think). A family who loves and supports me despite myself. Plus, the weather has been beautiful for the first time in months. Yes, our snowy, winter-wonderlandy day last month was beautiful to see... but painful to feel after so many cold cold days. I'm so thankful for the sun and the shine and the warmth it indicates is coming our way. And above all... I still have my faith. It's taken some hits over the last several months. I've struggled with my belief that God does love me... but really, only because He won't give me the thing I believe I want most in the world. But deep down, I know He knows what He's doing... I know He knows what's best for me. And I just have to remind myself of this every moment of every day... especially when I least want to acknowledge it.

So while I still can't seem to see past this darkness right now, I know the light is there somewhere. And because I've been here before... I know it won't last forever. I just need to find that light switch... I know it's here somewhere.

Just for Red

2010-03-15T11:46:00.002-05:00

As you (you being anyone) can tell, I haven't posted here in way way way too long. But I'm thinking it's time to revitalize this space. I need to flex my writing muscles again, and there was a time this was my favorite place to go at the end of each day.

So, since Red just told me she was coming by to see if I was still at this... Here I am. And now I'm going to try to think of something new to say. But in the meantime... for old time's sake...

I Hope it Dies

2009-08-31T14:55:00.007-05:00

Why is this so hard for me now? Why am I so afraid?
There was a time I sat down in front of this silly contraption... often bleary-eyed from too much living and too little sleep, sometimes bored senseless and eager to find something/anything to occupy my time... and I would write for hours. Poetry, prose, love notes, confessions, jibberish.

And I was happy. I would come back and re-read what I'd written... editing mistakes I'd made in the fever of getting it all out... eager to see what (if anything) my friends had to say in response. But mostly elated that I'd done it.

Now, I think daily of sitting here (or anywhere) to write. To process through all the amazing people, places, and things I've experienced and grown to love of late. Things flitting about that memory part of my brain. Things growing paler as I neglect to make them permanent. And daily I convince myself there isn't time. There aren't any words. What if no one else cares?

Yet, never has there been a time in my life that I have so desperately determined to hold onto... a time I hope to one day chronicle... a time I scarcely believe I'm really experiencing. So why, for the first time in years, have I refused to sit down and keep track of these simple but extraordinary happenings... to share them with you and keep them safe and tangible for me?

What is it I'm afraid of? What keeps me from sitting still... quieting my anticipation and tranquilizing my restlessness... and taking a few moments to say some stuff and store some thoughts?

Whatever it is... I hope it dies. And I sort of hope it's painful.
It deserves it.

Still Here

2009-08-06T09:17:00.003-05:00

A few of you occasionally remind me that I have this space and gently nudge me to write something new. I've wanted to for a while now... but I can never decide what to write about. I could write about my day, I suppose... tell you that I woke up, went to work, saw some live music (perhaps) or made a little dinner and curled up on the couch for the evening. But all that just seems so pointless... so worthy of a "yeah... and?" sort of response. So instead I've left my blogging hat (and, incidentally, my writing gloves as well) hanging on the peg at the door.

I've been reading a lot lately, which has made me desperate to write again and yet also terrified that I'll never live up to what others (or even I) expect or hope from me. I miss writing... I miss that feeling when I type the last word of this, that or the other and realize, "I've finished something. It might not be incredible... but it's mine, I wrote it, and it's finished."

I'm writing this while I'm at work because it seemed today might be a slower day... however, this has proved to be untrue and it's been almost three hours since I wrote those first two paragraphs. Thus, I find myself unable to keep a steady train of thought and continue on in any sensical way.

So before I go back to business, here are a few things I've done lately that have brought me joy:

saw Harry Potter 6 (informal title) for the second time at Alamo Drafthouse in Austin
while watching said film at said theater, I drank their version of butterbeer and enjoyed it immensely (I've been daydreaming about butterbeer since I first read about it in whichever HP book introduces it)
watched/listened to a LOT of live music... mostly friends and their awesome bands, which only adds to the fun
bought a really cool vintage dress from New Bohemia in Austin
ordered a new mattress and boxsprings... I've been sleeping on my current set for 23 years, and before that it spent many years in my great grandparents' house (suffice it to say, it's OLD)
picked out a new couch and plan to order it (most likely in the color "Vintage") sometime this week
started reading The Eyre Affair on a friend's recommendation
decided a few months ago that I'd like to go to seminary to be a relationship counselor... I got my acceptance letter last week (I feel like this isn't something to be overly excited about b/c I'm pretty sure they accept anyone... however, I was excited nonetheless b/c this makes it official)... I start in September
I've started cooking almost all my meals myself... it may not sound revolutionary, but it is for me... and I'm loving it

Yeah... none of it's all THAT exciting. But I suppose life's joy is found mostly in the small things, right?

Looking Back

2009-03-10T10:55:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how far I've come.

I can't believe this was little more than two years ago. Dr. Marder has done exactly what she said she'd do.

She's given me back my life. Sometimes I still can't believe it.

Lessons Learned interviews Notions on Being

2009-03-09T11:00:00.009-05:00

As you might have noticed, I haven't written anything here in a long time. I'm going to stop making excuses and saying how much I wish I were still writing regularly (this is all still true, but these musings sound empty at this point). So instead I'll just get to it.

I asked Rachel at Lessons Learned if she would interview me because I thought it might help motivate me to put some words to screen again. And lookie here... I just wrote you a small novel.
Enjoy!

1. You have been granted the power to change the world. What do you keep the SAME, and why?

It may seem like a simple answer, but I would keep the creation of art. I started to say, “I would keep music.” But then I realized that what I’m thinking about music, is true for all forms of art. As I thought through the various things I love about the world, pondering what I would keep… what I would change… I realized there are elements of almost everything that I would at least find a way to slightly (sometimes drastically) alter if granted this power.

But when it comes to the creation of art around the world, I wouldn’t change a thing. As I mentioned, I intended to say music. I had this idea because I can think of nothing that I appreciate more about this world than music. All over the world, people create music… and while it is different from place to place and has changed throughout time, it truly is the universal language. You can get a sense of the culture and even the history of a people, I believe, by listening to the music they create. This awes me. Likewise, I would preserve theater, dance, visual arts, and (of course) authorship. There is just something about individuals’ ability to create that is so precious… and, as a Christian, I see this as the most beautiful evidence that we are created beings… beings who long to mimic our creator.

2. Do you have a hero? If so, who? (Please do not name a famous person or figure—who in your personal life do you consider heroic or admire?) If not, why?

This one’s easy. My father is and always has been my hero. I’ve been blessed with many heroic people in my life—namely Mere and Nicky, who selflessly… whether they know it or not… probably saved my life on more than one occasion simply by being my friends and carrying me when I didn’t have the strength to stand on my own. Dustin, my college pastor, is another hero who helped mold and foster my faith in countless ways and, in so doing, also helped save my life in ways he never knew. But when asked to narrow it down to one, I’d have to say the most heroic person in my life is undoubtedly my daddy.

I feel like I could write a novel about all the ways my dad has been a hero to me, but I don’t think anyone else would want to read it. So as briefly as I know how, here are a few reasons:

When I first got sick and Friends was the only thing that could make me laugh, my dad went through the entire series with me and grew to love it, too, because he saw firsthand what that silly show did for me during that dark time.
When I was a child and struggled to understand the difficult relationship I had with my mom, he would take me for drives and remind me over and over again that she loved me very deeply and when things were hard, it was never my fault.
When my brother went through a series of incredible trials during college, my father did everything he could to encourage him. And when he found out someone was making life even more painful for him, after all my brother had already been through and worked for despite these trials, our father was able to bridle his anger and confront the man in a strikingly composed but forceful manner.
When it’s been a while between phone calls, my dad will call me up and say, “It’s been a while. I just wanted to see how you are.” And after I’ve told him what’s going on, he’ll often spend the next hour talking about characters in books or movies or TV shows that I love and he’s (often at my encouragement) learned to love as well. I believe I owe my eccentric imagination to him… and I couldn’t be more grateful.
When we were growing up, my brother, sister and I would wake up (begrudgingly, of course) for school and as we got ready and walked into the kitchen to grab some breakfast, our father would be sitting at the dining room table reading his Bible. As an adult looking back, this is extraordinary to me for a number of reasons. One basic reason is that my father is Catholic, and Catholics aren’t traditionally encouraged to study the Word on their own time. However, my dad loves the Lord and has always desired a deeper understanding of His teachings. This, maybe above all, makes my dad a hero in my eyes. Because it has instilled in me the desire to seek knowledge… to never take for granted anything I hear or think I believe. Whether reading the personal journals of Winston Churchill to better understand a man he admires or studying the Bible each morning before work, my dad has always demonstrated the desire to truly know everything he can about whatever it is he believes or values. I can think of no characteristic I’d rather emulate, and I only hope I can continue to grow myself in this way.

3. What is your pet writing project, the one I bet you’ve been working on forever? What is it about and who’s your main character? Are you still writing it?

Oh how I wish I had just one of these that I’d devoted any real energy to. Sometimes I’m ashamed to call myself a writer because I haven’t truly begun anything real. I have ideas, and I’ve jotted down notes, spent evenings brainstorming, asked friends’ and mentors’ advice… but I’ve done very little else. I’ve started the notes for what I’m hoping might become a semi-epic poem about the phoenix… but I have a LONG way to go before I can call this a “project.” I’ve also determined the topic for what I hope might be my first book… but beyond putting a lot of thought into a sort of theme and general idea, I’ve done almost nothing. I happen to be one of the most social people I know, and this demanding personality trait has kept me from doing much of anything in the way of major writing projects. It’s a trait I think I’m going to have to commit to abandoning, at least for a season here and there, in order to get anything in the way of real writing done. I’m hoping the motivation to do so comes soon.

4. If your life had a motto, what would it be and why?

I can’t seem to think of anything creative for this one. No matter how much I think about it, the only truthful answer I can think to give is as basic as this: “Be a friend.”

I say this because there is nothing I value in life more than friendship. I have so many amazing friends, and I can’t even imagine trying to count them. This fact gets pointed out to me on a pretty regular basis, and without intending to sound arrogant… I truly believe that I have all of these wonderful friends because I try really hard to be a good friend. I know I fail miserably and often… but I do try. And in all honesty, I put more effort into relationships than anything else in my life.

5. If you had to live anywhere but where you are now, where would you choose to live and why?

I think I’ve probably talked about this no less than 5 dozen times over the few years I’ve been blogging, but the answer remains… New Zealand. And the reason is simple—because it looks like this:

[I don’t think I’m feeling creative or witty enough to answer number six right now… but I’ll think on it for a while, and I may try to answer it at a later date.]

Forever Young

2009-01-22T11:31:00.006-06:00

First of all, I have to admit that it's a little creepishly fitting that I've decided to write this post when only last night I heard a rather lovely cover (by Youth Group) of "Forever Young" and spent the rest of the evening humming the tune. But, I digress...

My sweet friend Michele has strongly encouraged that I write something new here, and despite the fact that I'm utterly convinced few people come here anymore... except all you "Johnny Depp" Googlers (hey fellow Johnny lovers!)... I've decided she's right. It's time.

And because I'm at work and don't have a lot of time to write something wildly magnificent (or even moderately intriguing)... I decided to pull from her latest post and instead tell you a mildly amusing story relating to my new job.

I plan to go into more detail here on Notions about the fact that I've started a new job (right after I fulfill my previous promise to write about why 2008 was such a marvelous year); but in the meantime, suffice it to say, I've started a new job working for a cancer education center and I couldn't be more thrilled. This is far and away the most amazing job I've had so far, and I am so happy to be here. I started December 15 and have slowly been making the rounds, learning the ropes, and meeting folks who've been on holiday, away on business trips, etc.

Well, about two weeks after I started, I remembered that I had not yet met the VP of HR because she had been out of the office my first week. So, one afternoon I noticed she was in her office with the door open and decided to stick my head in and introduce myself. I knocked, put my hand out and said, "Hi. I'm Martha Belden... the new project editor in Meetings. It's so nice to finally meet you." With slightly widened eyes, she stood up, shook her head once and then smiled, exclaiming, "Oh! You're Martha! I keep seeing you around the office, and I've been wondering, 'Who brought their kid to work?'"

I didn't know what to say, but I'm pretty sure I turned some deep shade of visible humiliation. Eventually I think I mumbled something about trying to dress more like a grownup (it's quite possible she made this assumption based on my Pink Floyd t-shirt, cardigan, jeans and Converse... in an environment where almost everyone else wears nice skirts and blouses and sometimes even suits, despite the casual dress code). But she laughed, walked around her desk, shook my hand and said, "Hey. Enjoy it while you can. You look fabulously young, and that probably won't last forever."

I smiled and thanked her before thinking to myself, "Actually. I'm fairly certain it will in fact be a really long time before I look my age." The women in my family simply do not age, and I've got an extra factor working in my favor (well, at least with regards to aging). I have an autoimmune disease called Scleroderma that essentially has created a layer of scar tissue just under the outermost layer of my skin. Therefore, I have almost no elasticity in my skin... but I also have no wrinkles. Hey... gotta stroke that silver lining every once in a while, right?

So get excited. I might just pull off being mistaken for someone's "kid" for a long time yet. I am, after all, nearing 30 while still being mistaken for a 15 - 17 year old on a fairly regular basis. Michele, I'm right there with you. I should view this as a compliment.

'Tis the Season

2008-12-24T09:59:00.004-06:00

Merry Christmas, everyone!! [and if you celebrate something else... Merry Happy (insert holiday here) to you!]

2008 has been the best year of my life thus far... and I hope to go into that a little more in a follow-up post to ring in the New Year.

But in the meantime, I just want to say... even though I've been incredibly absent from the blog world this year, I love you all and I hope you're still coming here at least occasionally. I'm really going to try to re-energize my blog in 2009... so we'll see how that goes.

Oh yeah... and I also wanted to say... GO FROGS!!!!! What an awesome game and a great early Christmas present.

Notions on Being meets Shea of the Dead

2008-12-16T16:02:00.022-06:00

Warning: Dad, I just want to mention that the following story may freak you out a bit. But I assure you, it has dawned on me that I should probably have taken more precaution... and when I meet other "friends from the Internet" in the future, I'll keep this in mind.

---------------------------------------

This is certainly the most adventurous MIRL (meeting in real life, for those of you unversed in blogger lingo) I've experienced thus far, and I'll do my best to tell the story well.

Several months ago, I got a facebook invitation from Shea informing all invitees that sometime toward the end of the year, a friend of his from Macedonia would be coming to the United States to do tattoos. The invitation mentioned that if enough interest was generated in a particular region, Shea and said friend would make arrangements to add that region to their itinerary.

I immediately responded that if they were able to come to Texas, I'd be happy to be a participant. Fast forward several months to something like September, and I get an IM from Shea saying that they plan to be in the Austin area sometime after Thanksgiving. I immediately agreed to do whatever I could to work Austin into my busy schedule and began plotting what exactly I wanted to have tattooed.

After extensive deliberation, I decided this would be the time to get my phoenix... something I've wanted to have done since first I became enthralled with ink. So Shea sent me his friend's e-mail address, and I immediately wrote to him explaining what I wanted and why. [digression: Since childhood, I've been fascinated with phoenix mythology. Stravinsky's The Firebird is one of my favorite musical compositions. Fawkes from the Harry Potter series is one of my favorite characters. And most significantly, the phoenix has been known throughout history to represent both healing and rebirth... both very near and dear to my being. So yeah... that's the very brief explanation of the phoenix now beautifully inked on my back.]

Fast forward yet again, and we come to this past weekend. On Friday afternoon, Shea text messaged me the address of the house where I'd be meeting him and his friend, and I quickly Google mapped it and jotted down the directions. Then, on Saturday, December 13, I got in my car and drove to Austin. I stopped at my friend Amanda's apartment (where I planned to stay that night), had brunch with her and then hopped back in the car to drive to Wimberley, TX (about 40 miles southwest of Austin) where I'd soon meet Shea.

Now, this is where I was incredibly stupid (but, it should also be noted, totally lucky because everything turned out just fine). It didn't cross my mind to tell Amanda where I was going, leave her with the address... anything. And on top of that, none of my friends had the slightest inkling where I was going or what I was doing this weekend... aside from the fact that I was getting a phoenix tattoo in Austin. So yeah... as Shea pointed out, this could have been the perfect outline for a teen horror flick. [Again, Dad, it's okay... I know now. From now on, I'll always tell at least one person where I'm going and provide them with the address.]

Anyway... I get to Wimberley, follow the directions and end up right in front of the house matching the address Shea had provided. However, I didn't see the car he described as sitting right in front of the house. So I call him up to let him know I'm there. He goes outside. I don't see him. "Crap! I'm at the wrong house. But... but... this house totally matches the address!" Regardless, I start driving the other direction to see if I can figure out where we went wrong. Eventually we figured out that when Shea had given me the address, one word was wrong. Instead of Deer Field, the house was on Deer Ridge. Just one word off... but as we all know, when it comes to an address, one word can mean the world.

Anyway, long story short(er... still not really short, 'cause this is me)... Shea had to get in his car and come find me. Thankfully he was with another guy from the area who figured out where I was, and soon we were on our way to the correct house. When we finally got to the house, I got out of the car, and Shea and I officially met for the first time... after two years of blogland friendship. And to commemorate the occasion, I spent the following few hours sitting in a house in the middle of nowhere (seriously... there was a six-point buck hanging out in the backyard) that belonged to people I'll never know, with four guys I had never previously met and will probably never see again... all while getting an excruciatingly painful tattoo and trying as hard as I could not to cry. [another digression: I also want to make it clear that, while I did get a tattoo in a stranger's dining room, straddling a dining room chair... everything was done with extreme sanitary caution. I promise.]

Oh, how I love a good adventure.

And Shea... I'm so glad we finally met. I hope to see you again someday... but either way, at least we can always say we had a memorable introduction. Take care... (and don't forget to deliver those CDs to Z and Adam.)

My Futile Discourse

2008-12-08T10:36:00.009-06:00

As most of you have probably learned by reading me over the months and years... reality is a very difficult concept for me. In fact, I'm not sure if I'm ever in tune with reality. And unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating. It matters not how mundane or how dire the situation may be... I can guarantee that I've conjured up a nice little outline of how I see whatever situation playing out. And rest assured, it is always something fantastic and ridiculous.

I feel like I've written this exact diatribe oh so many times before... ever attempting to remind myself and everyone else that we simply cannot take me seriously. After all, when one is constantly lost in one's own mind... how can one be considered anything but stark, raving mad? I really should be committed... for my own sanity's sake. I drive myself crazy by experiencing life and trying to make each and every moment more than what reality presents.

This has been on my mind a lot over the last couple of months. It has occurred to me again and again that I am consistently trying to jump ahead in the as yet unwritten tale of my own life... and I never seem to understand that I simply can't do this. As I just pointed out... the tale is unwritten... why do I keep trying to read ahead? When will I learn that life is to be lived... that my tale is being told... that I will find out what happens next... and that all I have to do is keep living and allow myself to be surprised and awed by how reality's story plays out?

You want to know when you'll learn this, Martha Elaine? Never. That's when. As your father loves to point out, you're a story teller... and this is what you do. You keep trying to devise your own story... chiefly because you are convinced that you'll be disappointed with the story reality tells. But oh how I wish you'd stop... because the reality tale really isn't so bad... and it's the only one that's really real anyway. And the saddest part is... your happy little story is always trumped by reality anyway... no matter how hard you try to fight it. Don't you know, it would hurt so much less if you'd just stop interrupting... wait... and let reality finish the story?

Ruthie's Coming Home!

2008-11-04T13:45:00.003-06:00

My beautiful friends, Michael and Jana, are going to Ethiopia in a few weeks to pick up their precious little girl. Finally!

Watch their little video...

...and then tell me that's not the most breathtaking little girl you've ever seen!

I love you guys!! And I simply cannot wait to meet her!

Photo meme

2008-10-21T10:01:00.008-05:00

Stolen... can I say "borrowed"? ... from Red and Punxxi. Thanks, ladies! This is a fun one.

Answer the questions below, do a Google Image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, and do it with minimal words of explanation.

1. Age you’ll be on your next birthday

2. A place you want to travel to

3. Your favorite place

4. Your favorite food

5. Your favorite pet

6. Your favorite color combination

7. Your favorite piece of clothing

(I typed in "housedress" because I have a few dresses that I would consider housedresses, and I wear them all the time. And I really really wish I had THIS dress.)

8. Your favorite TV show

9. What's the name of your significant other

10. The town in which you live

11. Your first job

12. Your dream job

13. A bad habit you have

14. Your worst fear

15. What you'd like to do before you die

and... Just for Fun

2008-10-15T13:31:00.001-05:00

Rock and Review

2008-10-15T09:57:00.003-05:00

So, a guy I worked with at my first job out of college has recently started a music review blog called Rock & Review and asked me if I would be interested in writing for it. Considering I'm more than mildly obsessed with music and have probably averaged two to three live shows a week this year, of course I jumped right on board.

I think the blog is going to be pretty great. It's not so much about the writing (something I'm going to have to get used to), but all about the music. I love how musically diverse the site is already proving to be, and I think... if we stick with it... it's going to be a really neat site.

So anyway... without further ado, here's my first post. Enjoy! And please read some of the other reviews, check out some new music and come back! It'd also really help us out if you could spread the word. We all love music, I think... and we certainly all know others who love music.

Thanks, guys!

The Accident, II

2008-10-03T10:51:00.008-05:00

The Accident

2008-09-30T13:56:00.007-05:00

I've told the story so many times, and yet there are still so many people anxious to hear what happened this past Friday night. So I've decided to write it out and post it here. I feel I should warn you... I have trouble believing the following story, myself. But I promise I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Last Friday night I went to Fort Worth to see Fleet Foxes at Lola's. [P.S. If you have time, listen to "White Winter Hymnal" ... if it doesn't blow your mind, there might be something wrong with you.] Anyway... the show was absolutely incredible, and I even got to meet lead singer Robin Pecknold [what an incredibly humble, nice human being... I wish we could be friends]. I left the bar soon after, high on the thrill of experiencing truly great live music. About ten minutes after I left, I noticed a car ahead of me on I-30 driving pretty erratically and decided I should be wary. I hung back for a few minutes and then decided I really wanted to just get past the guy. I waited for him to move over so that there would be at least one lane between us, and then I decided it was time.

I was in the far left lane and started speeding up cautiously. Even now I don't know whether the guy was drunk or just being obnoxious. As soon as I started to pass him (I assume it was a him... although I honestly don't know), he swerved across both lanes, I laid on my horn and tried to dodge him. But somehow he either swiped me or clipped the back end of my car, sending me into a spin. I spun at least four times hitting the concrete barrier lining the highway each time I spun. I know I hit the wall four times, but I'm not sure of much else. Eventually my car came to a screeching hault, and I realized my passenger side airbag had deployed and the car was filled with smoke and powder.

I got out of the car in hysterics and started pacing back and forth trying to get a grip. Then I went back to the car and dumped my purse out to find my cell phone. I first called my friend Curtis who had been at the show with me, but knowing he had already worked an insanely long day and was on his way back to Dallas to work even more, I told him not to worry... that I would find a friend who lived in Fort Worth to come pick me up. After talking to a few people, I finally sat down on the side of the road and tried to catch my breath and face the fact that apparently no one was going to stop and help me [yes the erratic driver who ran me off the road just kept going, as did everyone else who passed by for the next ten minutes].

After a few minutes, it dawned on me that I should probably move away from my car because it was still sticking out into the left lane, and I knew it would be bad news if it were to go unnoticed by other drivers. After realizing this, I took a couple of steps and then heard the most terrifying sound I've ever heard. The crash of the other driver going 75mph plowing into my stationary car was deafening. Somehow in that split second, I managed to look up and see my car hurtling towards me. Next thing I knew, my car had slammed into me, and I was thrown into the cement barrier before falling forward painfully onto my knees.

After being stabilized in a neck collar, strapped down to a gurney, and answering a barrage of questions from firemen, EMT paramedics and a very nice policeman... I was rushed to the JPS Trauma One unit. I spent the next 8 hours being stuck with needles, CAT scanned and X-rayed before I was finally released with a concussion, several contusions (deep bruises) and a possible knee injury (I'll have to go to an orthopedic doctor in a few weeks). The doctor and several others have also warned me that it is likely I'll have other injuries, which will not reveal themselves until my body recovers from some of the trauma. But to the amazement of the hospital staff, my family, friends and me... I'm alive and well, for the most part.

I can't even begin to describe how terrifying this experience was or how utterly awed I am that I not only survived, but that I came out relatively unharmed. I'm hesitant to look at it this way because it just seems so illogical in my mind; but in truth, I can't deny that clearly, for whatever reason, God wants me alive. And that is an exciting while also frightening thought.

Nuggets of Notions

2008-09-17T20:55:00.004-05:00

Well, Kyle... I'm a few hours late. But I'm here now. I have so so many things I want to blog about, but they're all a bit emotional and/or time-consuming... and I've got a book calling my name right now. So for now, I'm just going to post a few little nuggets and promise to come back soon with something more in depth.

I came really, frustratingly close to sharing a theater and some possible face-time with Michael Cera tonight. You have no idea what a disappointment it was when we found out we were about 4 spots too late in line. Ugh. What a letdown.
A friend argued today that she thinks we should just face the fact that all relationships end... or at least change. I'm willing to go with the "change" part, except that she sort of implied that all relationships eventually change for ill. I imagine (*hope*) this isn't what she meant... but I'm not actually quite sure. She and I have always viewed relationships very differently. And call me naive or call me an optimist... but I'll never jump on board with the idea that all relationships eventually end. Sure, we die and stuff. But I don't give up easily... if it's humanly possible for me to maintain and even strengthen a relationship (of any kind), you bet your ass I'm going to give it my all. And yes, if you suddenly decide to stop returning my phone calls, e-mails, etc. I'm going to take it personally. I don't care how "busy" you are.
A different friend encouraged me a few weeks ago to try to "write happiness" so I won't forget what it feels like if I get sick again. I mused that I don't quite know how to write happy... but the more I reflect on that conversation... the more I find myself desperate to try. It scares me that even if I manage to write it, it might not be all that comforting if/when I find myself in the darkness again. But it can't hurt to try... right?
It's more than a month away, and I already cannot wait for Halloween. I'm throwing a party. I think I'll decorate my apartment with those fake spiderwebs and some red light bulbs. I thought about making my apartment "Hell" ... but I thought it might be weird for a Christian to invite all her friends to "Hell" for the evening.
Right now I'm reading a book that I'm equal parts wickedly enjoying and wickedly ashamed of. I feel okay reading it, while I'm reading it (in fact... I can't put the thing down). But as soon as I try to explain what I'm reading or what happened in the chapter I just finished... I feel like a 14-year-old bimbo. But oh well... it's fun.
Still can't believe I was in the same building as Michael Cera only an hour ago, and I never got to meet him.
How is it that I always forget how badly a broken heart really does hurt? Every time it happens (well... the two times it's happened before), I've promised myself I won't let it happen again. That I'm going to shut myself off... stay bitter... avoid males in general. But here I am again. Swimming in my own sea of disappointment and regret. God, this gets old.
Tonight I was making fun of all the hipsters waiting in line to see Mr. Cera when I looked down and realized, I think I might actually look like one myself. Doh!
I have really nifty friends. If any of you guys come here anymore... Hi! Y'all are amazing. Thanks for putting up with my heartfelt yet irritating whine over the last few weeks. I'm not over it yet... so there may be more to come. But I promise it'll end sometime. And if/when you want to whine... I'll be right over here waiting, with an empathetic smile and soft shoulder to rest on.
I think I might be single-handedly keeping Chick-fil-A in business. Not really 'cause tons of people eat there. But sheesh... they know my order now. How embarrassing.

Peace out, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be back soon. Maybe to whine... maybe to smile brightly. Only time shall tell. Love you.

The Ballad of Love and Hate

2008-09-09T11:25:00.006-05:00

by The Avett Brothers

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacation's ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great,
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hold. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry," and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever.

________________________________

I'm going to see these guys on Thursday for the third time since last November, and I can't wait. Part of me hopes they sing this song, and part of me hopes they don't. I can't tell you how much this song speaks to me right now... how much I wish I could take credit for these incredible lyrics... how heartbreaking it is everytime I listen to it... and how even though it hurts, I can't stop listening.

My Favorite Number

2008-08-28T20:53:00.008-05:00

This is going to be so boring for just about anyone who reads it (if anyone is, in fact, still coming here). Most of this stuff will be nothing new to anyone. But I've been agonizing over something to write about here for a long time now. So here goes...

7 things I plan to do before I die

1) visit New Zealand
2) make out in the rain
3) write a book
4) get married
5) adopt a child
6) skydive
7) go on an Alaskan cruise

7 things I can do

1) write
2) cook
3) throw great parties
4) make friends everywhere I go
5) fabricate elaborate scenarios in my mind and convince myself they're reality
6) procrastinate
7) survive

7 things I cannot do

1) make my brain shut up
2) concentrate when I have someone or something on my mind
3) read something I find uninteresting
4) learn a foreign language
5) make sense of men
6) levitate
7) stop wondering

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex

1) wit
2) optimism
3) sense of adventure
4) pale eyes
5) tattoos
6) facial hair
7) strength

7 things I say most often

1) fun times
2) indeed
3) Arwen! Get down!
4) ridiculous
5) oooh!
6) oh sh_t
7) yay!

7 celebrity crushes

1) Johny Depp

2) James McAvoy

3) Viggo Mortensen

4) Shia LaBeouf

5) Jason Statham

6) Gerard Butler

7) John Krasinski

Embrace the Insanity, For Sanity's Sake

2008-07-14T10:04:00.004-05:00

Many of you (as writers and creatives) will probably understand when I say... I often find that being a writer is disruptive to my sanity. As a writer, I am always mentally embellishing everything I experience. I mentioned something along these lines to a friend yesterday, to which he replied, "that may be true, but your insanity is also probably conducive to your writing."

And this made me wonder...

In my saner times, I'm unable to think of a thing to say. All motivation is lost... all creativity, dried up. I realize, however, that by developing a little more self discipline, I should be able to overcome this dilemma. I should be able to harness my creativity and ride through even the longest mental calms. I should muscle through and keep writing, even when I imagine I have nothing to say.

Because the truth is, even when I'm experiencing what I consider one of my "mental calms," I'm still not entirely sane. I'm still constantly "writing" little stories for myself in what I can only assume is my mind's way of making my life more interesting. Unfortunately, I'm not actually writing anything down as I should be. Instead I just walk around lost in my mind's tale... too often confusing what I've mentally composed with what is actually true.

And this is where the insanity comes in to play. I create imaginary relationships in my daydreams and then when reality steps in and jolts me back to life, I find myself heartbroken and confounded. At other times, I imagine scenarios of storming out of my hum-drum career and every-day life and embarking on some grand adventure. Then 8:30 Monday morning rolls around and work just seems that much more devastating and restrictive.

But when I write... when I take all these daydreams and fantasies and put them to paper (or to screen) the insanity that conjured them is bridled and tamed. So I don't know what to think any more... does writing make me insane? Or is it my insanity that allows me to write? When, in writing, my sanity is regained... how long do I wait before insanity re-arises and allows me to once again write?

Anyway... I'm sure I've completely lost you at this point, because I'm not even sure anymore which way is up or where I began. But one thing's for certain... I think it's time to simply embrace the insanity, if only for my sanity's sake. I need to take what insanity brings me, mold it into coherency and then set it free on the page.

Drama Drama Drama

2008-07-11T11:54:00.002-05:00

Momentary meltdown.
Writing makes me feel better but gives off the impression that I'm a little bit of a head case. I'm much more dramatic in writing than I am in reality. I promise.

Anyway... I feel better now.

This is what happens to me... day or two of drama, insanity and heartache.
Then I'm back to normal.

So this is me... back to normal.
Thanks for all the encouragement, everyone :)

Maybe one day I'll be able to better articulate the emotional masochism I so cryptically wrote of. I imagine I could, in fact, write about it fairly easily. But I'm sort of afraid to admit what I know to be true. So there you have it...

Emotional Masochism

2008-07-09T22:23:00.005-05:00

Some people cut themselves. Some turn themselves into human ash trays. Some allow themselves to be tied up and whipped.

I am not one of these people. No, I've found an entirely different method of inflicting pain upon myself. What I do isn't nearly as horrifying, perhaps. It leaves no visible scarring. It is attached to no sexual perversion. But it is just as long-lasting. It is just as absurd to those on the outside looking in.

... I thought I could write about this. I thought it might help. But right now my heart hurts so badly that all I want to do is crawl in bed and never wake up. I know I'll get over him... move on... feel better.

But right now all I can do is ask myself... how many times will I do this? How often will I grab the blade, reach for the glowing embers, hand him the whip? How much searing pain will it take before I realize... I'm only hurting myself...

From Rachel - 34/100

2008-07-01T11:38:00.003-05:00

The Big Read, an initiative by the National Endowment for the Arts, has estimated that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed. How do you do?

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (okay... I haven't read the whole thing... but a lot of it)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (another I haven't read all of, but I've read most of it)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Awesome

2008-06-25T15:25:00.002-05:00

This is one of the best things I've read in a long time. Pardon my pride... but yes, it was written by my daddy.

I hope you enjoy it, too.

I don't know about any of you... but I must admit, I've been one of those folks feeling as though the world is going to Hell in a handbasket over the last couple of years (especially over the last several months). And it's funny, because my dad's right. I'm happy right now... why do I feel doomed? I still make it to work and back every day, despite the 60-mile roundtrip commute. I still find time and funds to enjoy my friends and live in an apartment I love. I still eat a few meals every day. No one I know has gotten terribly ill lately. I haven't been even a little bit ill lately. There was a tragic loss in my church family a few weeks ago, but the beauty of God's people gathering around said family has shocked and inspired me in ways I don't even know how to express.

Life has always been really, deeply hard. Life will always be really, deeply hard.

When did we start expecting otherwise?

I'm Alive

2008-06-19T16:49:00.007-05:00

Oh oh oh... I'm such a bad blogger. And even though so many of you have been musing as to the reason for my absence, I've STILL failed to explain myself (or, better yet, get over myself and just start blogging again).

So here I am. And here's my excuse... pitiful as it may be:

I'm happy. There's not really anything else to it... I'm just happy. And for me, happy = busy. I haven't stopped going and going and going for months now. But I really do miss this space. I miss my relationships with all of you. I miss putting my thoughts on paper (or in this case, on the screen). I just miss this. And to be honest... in addition to being happy, I've also lost all sense of self-discipline. I could definitely make time for blogging... but I just haven't. I've sat down a few times and imagined what I might say here... prodded my mind, knowing there must be something I can write about. But after about two minutes, I give up and think, "nope... nothing worth telling." And then I go check facebook. Ugh... I'm lame.

But to kickstart something (anything) new here... I'll tell you about last weekend. 'Cause while it may not be that interesting to any of you, it was pretty awesome for me. And hey... it's a start.

A good friend of mine is moving to Charlotte next weekend (that's right Shea and Andy... get excited 'cause I may try to put y'all in touch with each other). So last weekend we decided to have a going-away party. And what better way to say goodbye than to spend the day at a beautiful lake with camping chairs, beer, a grill and a few friends?

Saturday morning we all loaded up and headed to Lake Ray Hubbard... one of the more beautiful Texas lakes I've been to. We grilled, we sat around, we played frisbee and soccer and basketball... and some of us even went canoeing... me included. Of course, I made the mistake of telling everyone that I was quite the canoer when I was younger... I even won a few canoeing contests and once went on a canoe trip for several days when I was in junior high.

So when my canoe capsized in the middle of the lake far far away from any sight of land, everyone found it more than a little ironic. To be fair, it wasn't my fault. Here we are in a big, metal lake canoe and like four jack-ass speedboats decide it would be cool to fly by one after the other, and our poor canoe just couldn't handle the wake. It really was funny and turned out to be quite an adventure when a family boat offered to tie us up and drag us to shore while we held on for dear life (the adventure culminated in me almost drowning several times as I was mercilessly sucked under the canoe as we moved toward dry land. Oh... and when I say "shore" I mean these really slippery rocks on the other side of the lake from our campsite where we were eventually able to dump all the water and stumble back into the boat. Then we had to make the long, arduous trip back to our shore. As I said: adventure.

Then we went to the Harbor to have Mexican food and just be with each other a little longer. All in all, we were together for about 12 hours straight. And then we got up the next morning, went to church, had lunch, laid by the pool all afternoon and ended the evening with ice cream and Bottle Rocket. It was, indeed, one of the greatest weekends I've had in a long time.

Just for you Anton(io)

2008-06-04T09:40:00.003-05:00

Never before have I devoted a blog post to wishing anyone happy birthday.

But because you're not here with us today... because you're off gallivanting with your other friends (haha... kidding)... I promised I'd say Happy Birthday to you in all manner of ways. So this is for you, Anton(io).

Hahahhhahahhahaha! Of course most of this is inaccurate for you because unlike many of us, you HAVE accomplished so much, and there's a good chance you WILL be rich and famous. But I thought it was too funny not to share.

Hope it's wonderful, Anton(io). And try not to stay away too long.

Indy's Back

2008-05-27T12:58:00.010-05:00

I LOVED this film.

There. I said it. And I'll defend that stance till I'm blue in the face. If I hear one more person say "but come on... it was so ridiculous... surviving waterfalls, the refrigerator scene... blah blah blah"... I might scream.

Seriously people. No one loves the Indy films for their realism. We love Indy because he lives and breathes unreality.

Lighten up, folks. Sit back, and just enjoy the ride. And if you can't... shut up and let the rest of us have fun without you.

RADIOHEAD

2008-05-21T10:08:00.005-05:00

I finally saw RADIOHEAD on Sunday night. Ladies and gentlemen... I have no words.

It was un-freakin'-believable. So in lieu of words, here are some pictures... Enjoy.

So. I have a much clearer picture of us from the show, but there's something about this shot I just like better. Maybe I just look better blurry ;)

You can't really see the band, but I love this shot because it looks so reverent. Like someone is worshipping Radiohead. Plus... you can get an idea how awesome the stage lighting was. Although this doesn't begin to do it justice. It was awesome.

This isn't the best picture either, but it was the best I could get of Thom. Have any of you ever seen Thom perform? It's a joyous thing to see. I don't know what it is... but I can't begin to express how much I enjoyed watching him. Thom Yorke is amazing.

Daydreams and Discoveries

2008-05-14T21:24:00.010-05:00

I realized something about myself today. When it comes to the men I'm attracted to, I have a pattern... and it's a pattern I don't quite understand.

I realized today that out of the four or five guys I've ever really cared about... imagined spending my life with... loved even... all of them share a few striking characteristics.

They have no idea who they are, and whether they admit it or not... they are heavily invested in their quests to find out.
They're relatively transient... or at least fancy the idea of a transient lifestyle.
They are passionate... but their passions seem so far-fetched that even they shy away from actually pursuing them.
They are constantly seeking life's next great adventure and are utterly unsatisfied because even the grandest adventures they can conjure... once experienced... never satiate their hunger.
They love me enough to spend inordinate amounts of time with me... share their deepest dreams and fears with me... on occasion even tell me they love me. But they cower and run away at the slightest thought of anything deeper than friendship.

I know this realization should not shock me as it has. But I had honestly never considered these men next to each other. I'd never thought about the similarities... instead I always focused on the fact that I'd moved on... learned my lesson... this guy is different.

This discovery frightens me because, let's face it, if I continue in this pattern... I might as well sign my spinster card right now. Somehow I have always fooled myself into thinking that these men only daydream about a life unbound by work, friends, family, ownership, and the like. But that's the problem... they may be merely daydreaming, but they're also refusing to wake up... grow up... see that adventure doesn't exist only in bucking society, forfeiting reality and rejecting relationships. Society, reality, relationships... these things hold incalculable adventures for those willing to create them.

This discovery has also astounded me. It has made me look deeper into myself... wonder what it is in me that draws me to these men. Because honestly... despite knowing these men can never give me what I want... I can't seem to fathom being attracted to anyone lacking these characteristics. Without realizing it, it has always been these very qualities that have left me intrigued... breathless... infatuated. And I don't know what this says about me. I consider myself a rational person... but I suppose I am also the world's consummate daydreamer. I, too, dream about moving to a foreign land (New Zealand, anyone?)... writing an award winning novel... changing the world through this cause or that (but never sticking with one for long enough to see it through)... the list goes on and on.

This discovery has left me unnerved. Because the truth is... I have no idea how to change the pattern. Embrace reality. Love differently.

As much as I don't want to... I hope one day I'll wake up from this daydream and learn to love life as it really is.

It's About Time...

2008-05-08T08:19:00.003-05:00

Well whaddya know... My dad started a blog.

And... if you know me, his blog won't be hard to find...

Martha's Dad.

Hope you guys'll stop over sometime(s).

I suck

2008-05-07T00:11:00.002-05:00

Hey guys!

I'm still alive. I'm trying to start my creative juices flowing b/c despite the fact that I was blogging for a few days... they all sucked. And I can't stand that.

So now I'm working on something that I'll hopefully have ready in the next couple of days. Don't want to talk about what it is just yet... but I hope it'll be something I can be proud of. I'm brainstorming, doing some research, etc. So we'll see...

I promise I haven't abandoned this space. Lots of life changes going on right now... and scheduling time to bring this baby back to life is on the agenda.

Be back soon...

GO MAVS!

2008-04-27T00:11:00.002-05:00

So... I'm barely making it for a post tonight... and technically I missed Saturday (dangit! totally ruined my streak... but I'm going to keep plowing ahead). Tonight, I did something a little out of character, and I just had to share.

Tonight I joined four friends... we painted ourselves up, dressed in all green and blue and went to the Maverick's playoff game with no tickets hoping they'd let us in purely based on our... fanatical merit. (We didn't just make this up... they advertise that they will hold a contest and give away free tickets to the wildest fans.)

Anyway... I'm exhausted, so long story short... we got in. And here's the proof...

Funny thing is... I'm not remotely what you would consider a "fan." This is actually the first game I've ever even watched (much less gone to). And on top of it, I'm sick and probably shouldn't have gone. But it was an absolute blast hanging out with my incredible friends... and as with everything in my life... when I do things, I don't like to mess around. I say, if you're gonna start somewhere... you might as well go all the way.

Now... if I had only been healthy and wasn't wheezing up a storm now, I'd say the night was perfect. Instead, now I'll be in search of much needed antibiotics tomorrow and nursing this insane cough.

See you soon...

...

2008-04-25T17:20:00.004-05:00

Crap...
I have to stick to my guns here. As you'll notice, I've not posted anything for today yet... and although it's only 5:15, I've got a busy evening planned and might not have another chance to post something.

So instead of just recognizing that I'm a failure... embracing it... rubbing my face in it... smiling as said failure drips down my chin and taints my ability to write anything ever again... I guess I'll post this.

Wow... you didn't know I was dramatic, did you?

So, Cara suggested I just write a very stream of consciousness post... so as you can see, that's what I'm doing. I do apologize... I know none of you asked to see what it's like to live inside my head... but check it. I'm giving you an idea whether you like it or not.

Of course, it's up to you whether you keep reading or not... so really, it's not my fault. My friend Annie is messaging me and disrupting my stream of consciousness because I keep hearing the "blink" "blink" "blink" of her IMs. I love Annie and the sound of "blink" "blink" "blink" because it means I have friends who like to talk to me... but it's very distracting.

We're going to the rodeo tonight. Did I mention that? I'm pretty excited... my friend Rory and I (I hope he's okay with my using his name) are really hoping we see the cowboy monkey again. There's not a lot more exciting than seeing a monkey with a cowboy hat riding a sheepdog around an all dirt arena. Can you tell I'm from Texas?

So anyway... it's about 6 minutes till I get to leave for the day, and I can't wait. Today has been pretty laid back, work-wise, but it's been a rough week and I'm ready for the weekend. Damnit... now I have that song running through my head.

Anyway... it'll go away. Can I just say... Richie, I can't believe you picked the Mavs over your friends. Just to spite that decision, I hope they lose.

There. Does that count as blogging about the Mavs?
*wink*

p.s. Cara. Today I ate a peanut butter and jelly (grape) sandwich on whole grain bread and about three (yeah 3) potato chips. Then I got full and threw the rest of the bag away. Oops.

Help me...

2008-04-24T15:51:00.007-05:00

For the last couple of days, I've logged into blogger and sat staring blankly at the "new post" screen... but nothing is happening. It's so annoying. I think it's because I've altogether stopped doing anything creative lately... I haven't read a book in months (although I did just start Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, so hopefully I'll feel inspired soon)... I haven't been going to see or even watching movies... and I haven't even made an attempt at writing in ages.

Ugh... typing it out makes me realize how dull I've allowed my life to become... and I don't even know why. I've got to make some changes because this is killing the right side of my brain... and since that side is the dominant side, I'm a little worried what might happen if I let this continue. But anyway... in honor of my seven day commitment (and considering I can't seem to think of ANYTHING), I've decided to open the floor (praying that people still actually look at my blog and consider commenting) to my blogpals.

Please... send me your ideas. What would you like to see me blog about here in the next several days? You can ask me questions... make suggestions... just write a silly sentence... insult me... compliment me *wink*... whatever. And I promise to write about what you suggest... even if it's something scandalous or alternative to what you'd typically see from me. (How's THAT for a promise?)

But please... whatever you do... help me.

...

Seriously.

Resolution

2008-04-23T22:14:00.006-05:00

So, I just drove home in a torrential downpour and spent the entire drive contemplating taking down that last post. Part of me still thinks it would be wise... but in the end, I've decided not to. I noticed when I got home that I had two comments... the first of which reminds me that this is a safe space... this is my space. And while it may not be safe... in the sense that anyone and everyone can read and perceive it however they like... it is mine.

And while I no longer hold that hate in my heart (actually, it only lingered there for a couple of hours), the reality of its existence should not be denied.

I never want to come across... here or anywhere... as someone untainted and unaffected by the ugliness of sin. I can't deny, I love that many of you see me as this sweet, harmless person. Because that's who I want to be... I want to be someone who encourages others... who people feel comfortable with... who people want to know. But the truth is... I'm not all of those things very often.

I do love my friends, and I do love to encourage people around me. But I also get jealous. I hold grudges. I hold people at arm's length. And on occasion, I even get angry.

So in keeping with my desire to present myself in all my ugliness... I am going to leave that last post up. And I'm going to close this post by saying that the hatred I felt was undeserved... and that much of the hatred was rooted in my own self-loathing. For I knew that I was more to blame in the situation than I dared admit. But the situation has (at least to an extent) been resolved. Forgiveness has been asked for and granted. A relationship has been salvaged... and it is my hope that it has been strengthened as well.

(and yeah... tomorrow's blog is going to be something fun... these last two were way too heavy. sorry 'bout that)

Hate in My Heart

2008-04-23T16:31:00.008-05:00

Not long ago, I wrote about my struggle with sin and how painful I knew it would be to untangle myself from that struggle. I recognize that many (actually, most) of my fellow bloggers are not Christians and therefore don't fully embrace or even understand my perspective on hatred and cruelty and... well... sin. Of course, I got several comments telling me I'm being too hard on myself and that surely I --Martha Elaine Belden of Notions on Being... the un-cussing, abstinent, goody-two-shoes blogger-- could never be guilty of the kind of sin I described.

But I'm here to tell you, ladies and gentlemen. This little heart of mine is capable of some pretty substantial hatred. So much so that I'm often taken aback by it.

I know this isn't a very encouraging post... but I've got hatred on my mind right now. And perhaps I'm hoping this confession will relieve some of the pressure I feel tightening across my chest just now. It's not something I like to admit... but I'm a reactionary person. On immediate receipt of some insult or attack, I react... perhaps not violently, but definitely with anger in my eyes and venom on my tongue. Thankfully, I've learned... in most situations... to look away and take a few deep breaths before responding so as not to let the venom infect anyone in the vicinity. But on occasion, I get angry enough that I forget to reign myself in... and I just let loose.

I know I need to be more careful... I know I need to remember myself and somehow brand the word BREATHE into the forefront of my mind. But sometimes it just feels good to let loose.

I know it'll pass. But right now... in this moment... I'm feeling some pretty overwhelming hate in my heart.

Out of Practice... and a List

2008-04-22T15:38:00.009-05:00

I have SO much to write about... and at the same time I have nothing to write about. I think I've been so absent for a number of reasons... namely, I sincerely don't want my blog to be a public diary. For one, I have no idea who reads this thing nowadays... co-workers, friends, people I've met once, people I'm in conflict with, maybe no one... And for another thing, who wants to read my diary every day? When I first started writing, I can't lie... I loved what I wrote. I don't know how I did it, but I somehow came here every day and wrote about things I couldn't have conceived of prior to laying my fingers across the keyboard. I analyzed literature... I wrote about things that moved me... I wrote poetry... I started short stories... I did all sorts of things. But I almost never utilized this space as a diary.

But now I look back at what I've written over the last several months, and the posts I have written (with few exceptions) have been little more than journal entries. I hate that... and I think it's made me stay away. That and pure laziness, of course. Oh... and lack of habit.

I miss being in the habit of writing. So I hereby commit that for the next seven days, I will post SOMETHING. Even if it sucks... even if it's a "quote of the day" or what I ate for lunch (no... I will NOT post what I ate for lunch... I won't let it get to that) I will post something every day. And maybe that will kick start my blogging habit again.

And since this is my first post... I'll do one of those random list things. So without further ado, here are some things I've been thinking about lately:

I tend to phrase things strangely after I've seen a movie or a television show or read a book that takes place in a different time or setting. I watched the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice the other day (yep... all six hours, in one day) and lately I find myself writing things like this on friends' facebook walls: "and might a pint from the pub cure what ails you?" I mean... who talks like that?
I don't like conflict. Or drama. It irritates me. I know it happens... I know it's part of life and it's not going to go away... but when it occurs in my life, I want to fall on the floor like a two year old and flail around while screaming till it goes away. Ugh.
Today is Earth day, and the only thing Earth-friendly I can say that I did is pick up some litter I found laying on the ground outside my office building and put it in the trash. People who litter make me angry. I mean, what the Hell? There's a trash can RIGHT THERE! Who in their right mind thinks, "Yeah... it'd be cool to throw my baby's dirty diaper out the window and leave it in the parking lot?" or "That bush right there... yep. That's the PERFECT spot for my gum wrapper." I find it very hard not to hate people who litter.
I think wildflowers are really pretty. I think all flowers are really pretty, actually. But I really hope I never make my family take a picture in a field of wildflowers. In fact, if I ever send you one of those family newsletter things with a picture of me and my family in matching denim shirts sitting in a field of bluebonnets, I hereby give you permission to never speak to me again... or flush my head down the toilet. Whatever you prefer. [note: no offense to anyone who HAS taken a picture in a field of wildflowers. Kelly, you look absolutely beautiful in that picture you took... but you also aren't wearing a denim shirt... so it doesn't count.]
I have this new friend who tells me I'm really cool, and I'm worried that this could go to my head. Because the thing is... I'm not cool, and I need to remain aware of this. Like this weekend... I was in this wedding, and I jokingly promised the bride that I would slip and fall to take the focus off of her because she was a little nervous about being the center of attention. Thing is... I was kidding. But even though it happened AFTER the wedding, I DID fall down the stairs walking out of the church on the way to the reception... in front of all the groomsmen... oh yeah, and I took down the pastor who officiated the wedding when he tried to catch me. Okay new friend... tell me again, how cool am I?
Live music may be my new favorite thing in the whole wide world. Except for books and words, but still. I love live music... can't get enough of it. Avett Brothers... next week... second time in less than a year... then Radiohead next month. OH.MY.GOSH. Have I mentioned that I love live music? I have? Oh... yeah... I love live music.
Cara's grandbabies... if you ever stumble over here after reading your Grandma's blog... just want you to know... you have the coolest Grandma ever. She's gonna change the world.
Blogpals... I've missed you guys. I hope you haven't forgotten me... See you tomorrow :)

Confession

2008-04-13T02:07:00.001-05:00

Daddy.

I'm scared to tell you because I know you don't approve... but when you called tonight, I was unable to answer because I was getting a new tattoo.

I'm planning to call you first thing in the morning because, you're right, we do need to catch up. But I'm too chicken to actually tell you about this... with my voice and your ear on the other end... and now for some reason, I can't sleep.

So I'm taking the easy way out and telling you here.

Please don't hate me. I'm still your little Marta Belle... really, I am.

I love you... and I know... you'll still love me, too. Even if you can't look at me the same for a long time.

And for everyone else... that's right. I got another one.

And here's a picture...

It's a design by Alphonse Mucha. And the top part says "HOPE" in Hebrew. So that's it. It's on my forearm... and I promise it's not as large and garish as it looks in the picture. But it is pretty substantial, I can't lie. It's actually larger than I envisioned it... but I like it nonetheless.

Those of you who aren't wanting to throw up right now (I really am sorry, Daddy... but you were going to find out sometime) ... let me know what you think.

note: Dad is worried I made him come off as a fire and brimstone, angry father type. He's not at all. He just really doesn't like tattoos. Just wanted to clarify :)

When's Nap Time?

2008-04-01T14:51:00.010-05:00

Insanity.

That is my life right now in a nutshell.

I'm working 40 hours a week plus 5 hours a week of drive time, to and from work. My social butterfly tendencies have come back full-force since my anti-social hiatus of last year, and I've spent basically every waking hour in the company of friends. I'm volunteering at the AFI Film Festival here in Dallas in my spare time (somehow I got selected to be part of the Red Carpet Press & Publicity team, so I'm super busy, but I'm loving every minute of it!). AND... as part of my "I feel great!" state of being, I've also been hitting up the live music scene like never before.

In the past few weeks I've seen Derek Webb, Langhorne Slim, Dylan Sneed and Kristy Krueger**, Boys Named Sue, Mom, Record Hop, Bowerbirds, Sarah Jaffe and Gogol Bordello (not in that order). It's been fun, but that many shows in less than a month... man, I'm tired. And it's not stopping there... this Saturday I'm going to see Okkervil River (I'm SO excited), next Wednesday I'm hoping to go see Le Loup with Cara, seeing Feist on April 16 and Radiohead in May. Plus, I've got two weddings in April (one of which I'm in), my birthday, hopefully a trip to Charlotte in May (June if necessary) and who knows what else will come up.

Dude. About that nap...

BUT... as if seeing all these great bands (and even meeting several of the various band members) weren't enough for one person, I've also had some of the coolest film festival experiences I could imagine. I've not only seen some amazing films, but I've also met some really cool, really laid back people who simply love to make films. And I've loved meeting them because I simply love to watch films (it's a perfect relationship).

So far I've only seen From the Mouthpiece on Back and a series of shorts that were simply amazing (Bongo Bong, A Catalogue of Anticipations, Fantaisie in Bubblewrap, Luck of the Draw, Safari, Tony Zear*, Intervention, Soft and Sunlit Shadows). Tonight we're going to see Public Enemy: Welcome to the Terrordome and another series of shorts, and on Thursday I'm planning to see The Tracey Fragments starring Ellen Page.

Anyway... that was so not an interesting or well-written post. But I just had to let everyone know I'm okay... just insane, as previously mentioned. And for those of you concerned about me after the last post... you're too sweet. But I'm okay. I've become fairly accustomed to heartbreak... so it's nothing I can't handle. And heck... it produces better writing than my insane busy-ness, right?

Hope to see you again soon! Big (blog) love!

*my personal favorite, thus far
**thanks for the reminder Cara. I knew I'd forget someone!

Survival

2008-03-26T09:03:00.004-05:00

She listens to music.

Right now Clapton's Old Love is pouring through her veins as she sways her head and sweeps her fingers across invisible keys. His words are her words. His guitar riffs feed her anger. His sensual melody stirs something in the pit of her stomach.

Why can't I get over? When will I ever learn?

The words of the singing poets inspire her... their pain becomes her pain. Their hope, her hope. Their love, her love.

This is what helps her survive. As she listens to music... the intensity of her own pain either fades away or takes on a new shape as she listens to others croon and cry about the pain of lost love and heart-wrenching rejection. It's validating... it's soul shaking... it's provocative.

This is why she listens to music.
... because it helps her survive.

HOLY expletive CRAP

2008-03-20T12:59:00.011-05:00

Aaaand... breathe.

Last night I saw Gogol Bordello at The Granada... and OH.MY.GOSH. They were the most amazing live performers I've ever seen or could even imagine seeing.

Now for those of you who've seen a lot more live music than I have, you might be scoffing at me under your breath right now... but please believe me when I say this... the show was breathtaking.

I don't typically dance at shows (mostly due to my lack of rhythm and tendency to get easily embarrassed) but I couldn't help myself last night. You just can't go to a Gogol Bordello show and not find yourself hopping and dancing all over the place. The instrumentation was phenomenal, the energy levels were higher than anything I've ever seen, the backup dancers were awesome and the lead (Eugene Hütz) never tired of singing, dancing and jumping all over the place (and looking damn good doing it, mind you). At one point Hütz even put on a pair of red high heels and a long, hot pink wig... and did so with only a tinge of enviable self-assurance and eccentricity... the kind that makes you shrug your shoulders, nod your head and say to yourself, "he can SO pull that off."

My head is spinning trying to think of all the things I want to share with you about this incredible show. So instead I'll just give you a bullet list of some of my favorite highlights of the night:

the backup dancers (who changed costumes frequently between sets) screaming "aye aye aye aye aye!!" into the microphone during one particularly high-energy song

the plain backdrop falling away early in the show to reveal a giant yellow cloth emblazoned with some deer-like animal and GOGOL BORDELLO: A GYPSY REVOLUTION in huge letters

Hütz beating a red barrel to a pulp with a drum stick and a perfect beat... and then later taking that same red barrel at the end of the night filling it with beer and ice and shaking it all over the place before clearing everyone out of the way and slamming it onto the floor of the stage and shattering the beer bottle in the process (don't worry... far away from any band or audience members... no one was injured)

at the end of the night (after SIX... yes six... awesome encore performances) Hütz inviting the entire audience to one of the band's legendary after parties and the entire audience waiting with bated breath to hear the location only to collectively respond "HUH?" when his Ukrainian accent announced it would take place at "jazelle" ... i.e. The Cell (only figured out after he read off the address of the locale)

Hütz ripping his shirt off after the first song to reveal black and white striped arm bands around both biceps (and I love love love the awesome old man playing the fiddle and the Mel Brooks look alike playing the accordion)

Finally, The following footage was taken at the Gogol Bordello show at the same venue back in October... this performance is almost identical to the one I saw (although, I must admit, I think the performance I saw was even more exciting and high-energy than this one).

Be warned, he says the "f-word" on a number of occasions in this song... so if this will trouble your delicate sensibilities, please consider bypassing this video. But know you'll be missing something quite amazing. And... note the backup dancer girls with the symbols and the bass drum... that was another of my favorite performances of the show.

2008-03-14T15:18:00.003-05:00

this is so ridiculously like my cat in the morning, i couldn't not share it. and for all my friends who hate cats, this will only serve as further ammunition for you, but I DON'T CARE. it's annoying in the morning... but they're worth it.

To Do: #1 - Procrastinate

2008-03-07T09:55:00.007-06:00

Tahj tagged me! Thanks Tahj... you gave me something to do so I can avoid packing for a bit longer...

10 years ago:
I was a junior in high school... probably "studying" on my friend Kendra's boat (which was stored in her garage... no we weren't cool enough to study on a boat in open water)... eating pixie sticks. That was our thing... "studying" and eating pixie sticks. I was also working on the prom committee, helping our class come up with one of the lamest prom themes of all time... something about Stars from Heaven... I don't remember. BUT... we did have these really awesome wooden gates built for us because we had this guy in our class whose father owned a building company. Our Heaven's gates were amazing, I must say. Oh! And we had two life size angels blowing trumpets from either side of the gate... not real people... just life size cardboard cutouts painted white and gold. But they were pretty sweet, too.

Things on my to-do list today:
-pack
-clean
-pack some more
-babysit
-pack

What would I do if I suddenly became a billionaire?
hmm... (not in this order, but...)
-travel everywhere. that's right... EVERY WHERE!!!!
-give money to research hospitals and other non-profit clinics, etc.
-invest
-build a house for my parents on my dad's land
-build a house for me
-get a great dane and name him Caesar... and a boston terrier and name him Napoleon
-pay off all my debt, along with my family's (brother=law school, sister=TCU, parents=loans)
-buy my church a building... or buy the land and pay to have one built
-write my novel and use my billionaire influence to get it published
-invest in Anton's and Shea's film endeavors
there are SO many others... but that's probably a decent list for now

Three of my bad habits:
1. biting my nails
2. PROCRASTINATION
3. messiness

Five jobs I've had:
1. Writer
2. Editor
3. Communications consultant
4. tutor
5. book seller

Five things many people don't know about me:
1. I'm absolutely obsessed with names (some of you may know this, but still...) and speaking of... have you EVER known someone with a cooler name than Tahj?
2. I've never seen The Shining. I don't know why, but this really bothers people when they find out. I'm waiting to read the book... just haven't gotten 'round to it yet.
3. I absolutely love Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. And Tahj... I could EASILY eat a whole box in one sitting. So don't feel bad.
4. I've eaten a grub worm. In Peru. It was fried. It tasted like bacon. Seriously.
5. I love Mary Poppins. Watching it right now, in fact.

:) Not tagging anyone... but I'd love to read any and every one's version. And now... #2 - Pack.

A few things, just to break the hiatus...

2008-03-05T22:16:00.005-06:00

a) I saw Penelope last night and loved it. It's not the best movie I've ever seen or anything, but it was sweet and funny and the costumes and art direction were stunning. But really... I just loved that I got to stare at the beautiful James McAvoy for almost two hours. I think I'm in love...

b) Have I mentioned that I'm moving? And... have I mentioned that there are few things in life that I hate more than moving? So I've been spending all of my free time (of which I seem to have very little) packing and throwing things away and sorting out things to give away, etc. Ugh... I hate moving. But on the bright side... today, when I was on my way to pick up some lunch, these women were standing in the intersection of Lovers and 75 handing out fliers for a women's shelter that accepts donations of all kinds. SO... now I know where I'm going to take all these clothes, shoes, etc. that I'm getting rid of. Yay!

c) I'm presently reading The Other Boleyn Girl, and so far I don't get what the big deal is with Phillipa Gregory. I've heard people (including my sister who normally has brilliant taste) rave about her for years... but so far, all I'm getting is a lusty, somewhat ridiculous romance novel. I don't get it.

d) I've started working out again... for the first time in almost four and a half years. It's frustrating because there was a time I was in pretty darn good shape... and now I'm having to start from being in no shape. I have to remind myself every two minutes or so to slow down and take it easy so I don't make myself sick or hurt myself... but all-in-all, I'm really excited. And I can already tell it's going to feel great. I know it's incredibly vain, but I seriously can't wait to fit into all the clothes I wore before that fateful first round of steroids. Pray, keep your fingers crossed, meditate... whatever... that I'll have the self-discipline and health to keep this up and get to a healthy place.

e) While you're praying, crossing fingers, etc... also, throw one up for my finances. I've been doing really well (better than I've been able to do in years thanks to the fact that I'm finally making a decent salary and not having to take off work due to illness) but this move is really messing me up. AND I realized this evening that while my rent, other rent, car insurance and a number of other big payments went through... I was only a few dollars short and my bank sent back my deposit with "Insufficient Funds." I know I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I don't hide much else here... so I might as well lay it all on the table. I need prayer that my new landlady won't take back the apartment or do something else awful to me because of this. I was only a few dollars short, and yet (in her eyes) all she will see is that ISF returned check and I'm sure she'll be furious.

f) Hopefully I'll be back very soon... but probably not until AFTER the move on Saturday. Hope you're all well... now I'm off to get a little shut-eye, and say a few prayers myself. Sweet dreams.

Contentment ≠ Creativity

2008-02-29T13:04:00.011-06:00

Lately, I haven't had much to say. Things are going well... I'm working a lot (and loving it). I'm getting ready to move (painting my new place this weekend, and I can't wait. I'm going to paint a red wall... I've ALWAYS wanted a red wall). I've been babysitting way too much (I've got to learn to say "no" sometimes). And I'm basically content.

For some reason, when I'm content, I suddenly have nothing to say. It's like, when I'm happy, I suddenly become boring and wordless. Of course, I wouldn't want to go back to my previous state of being just so I have something to say... but I still long for my creativity so much it hurts.

I think I need to just set some time aside to really focus on writing poetry... to starting that novel I have floating around my head... to write blogs people actually read and respond to (I can't help it... I love comments. There. I said it.). I just want to actually be a writer again. And I want to do it without the pain that tends to bring it out.

So here... I'm going to tell you what I have in mind as far as my novel goes. I guess I hesitated before because (1) if I tell you, it becomes real so I'll feel stupid if I never actually do it and (2) I think I sort of worried someone might steal my idea or something (not any of you... just some other cyber prowler or something). But now I think I'm going to tell you because (1) I need to tell you for this very reason... so that I'll actually write it instead of just thinking about it and (2) hahahha... it's ridiculous that I think anyone would "steal" this idea. And here's why...

I want to write an autobiographical fantasy novel. My plan is to create, through words, the very world I so often find myself living in... a world no one else really knows about or can see. I've sort of imagined myself in a fantasy landscape since I was a little girl. And, as I've mentioned here before, I live all day every day in a daydream. So instead of just imagining myself in another world... I'm going to write it down so I can go there whenever I want.

So that's it. That's my idea. Of course, I have more in my head than this... but I just thought I'd share the general premise. Now... if only I could get a little motivation and find the time...

Hmm...

maybe these will help:

Holy Awesome

2008-02-26T20:30:00.015-06:00

Presented by one of my favorite directors of all time...

I might have to go watch a few Fat Boy Slim videos in anticipation. Enjoy.

and thanks Heather!

Wonderful(ly Weird) Weekend

2008-02-25T18:56:00.008-06:00

Normally I don't like to use this space as a diary, simply recapping the events of my life (hey... stop laughing! I don't!)... but this weekend I had some experiences I can't not tell you about.

Friday night: We had planned to have some dinner and then go see a hilarious '80s cover band called The Spazmatics, but by the time we got around to heading that direction, they were sold out. So instead, a friend suggested we go to FireWater and see ZoSo, an apparently popular Led Zeppelin cover band. Now... I love Led Zeppelin. I'm not a die-hard fan, but I definitely have my fair share of their music, and I dig it.

Well, I had my reservations about a Led Zeppelin "cover" band, but I figured, "why not?" Well... after walking in and paying the girl wearing nothing more than low rise jeans and a barely-there bra, we got our drinks and found a place off to the side so we could watch the show as far away from the smoke as possible. As talented as they were (they really did sound a lot like LZ), it just wasn't the same. I hated that I couldn't understand a word they sang. Dad always says (I think it's Dad... maybe it's someone else) that if you're going to cover someone else... especially someone as legendary as Led Zeppelin... you need to make every effort to at least sing coherently.

The funny thing is, the band wasn't the most entertaining part of the night. We actually ended up standing behind what we can only assume was a motorcycle gang* called the Black Label Society (and I hope I don't get murdered or beaten up for posting their name). The only reason I know who they were is because they were all wearing black leather vests with 'Black Label Society' emblazoned across the back. Basically they went from showing each other a lot of love (lingering bear hugs, several pats on the backs, more embracing, etc.) to yelling vehemently at each other about this blonde girl (who looked about 14, by the way) who suddenly appeared in their midst. My friends and I tried to sort out what was going on, but we must admit we only have speculation... it was simply too loud to hear what was going on. But we did have a good time watching, moving out of the way and discussing what we thought might be going on.

Saturday: Got a pedicure with a friend (the one girly indulgence I actually enjoy)... tried to find some jeans at the mall (shopping is NOT a girly indulgence I enjoy)... and then went home to make an attempt at packing. Then I met a friend for sushi at Blue Fish. Blue Fish is definitely my new favorite sushi restaurant in Dallas. It's so good... if I could afford it, I'd eat there every week.

Then we went to see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly... and I essentially cried for two hours straight. The movie was phenomenal, and I'm so glad that's what we decided to see. It was heartbreaking, yes. But it was also hopeful... and I say that with more intensity than I did when I first left the theater. Initially, I just cried and thought... "why? Why did they make that into a movie? It's so tragic."

But the more I thought about it... the more time passed... the more I realized it really did tell a beautiful story. And it touched me in a way I don't even know how to explain. It humbled me because it was about a man who's condition I can't even begin to fathom. My favorite aspect of the film was the fact it was shot mostly through his eyes... from his perspective... with his affliction, on occasion, even blurring and confusing our view. It humbled me because despite the fact that this man was essentially a prisoner in his own body... he made the decision to live and to do.

That blows me away... the way he lived... locked in his body like that. This movie has changed my life... and I can't recommend it enough.

Saturday: Not as exciting to share. Went to church (great service). Went to lunch (awesome meatball sub). Got snow-cones (not a huge fan, but it was actually pretty good). Packed a little more. Then played a totally fun game of Catch Phrase (my favorite game ever) with a group of friends all evening.

It was a wonderful weekend.

[*I just did a little research, and actually Black Label Society is apparently a band. Go figure.]

i have a camera!

2008-02-20T23:16:00.002-06:00

I'm a huge dork... I know. But I live alone and I just HAD to play with my new camera.

arwen

chandler

the camera

Yeah. I know. You don't want to be my friend anymore. But come on... what was I supposed to take pictures of? Haha... it's funny. I don't really want to be my friend anymore either. Ah well. Hopefully I'll have something worthwhile to take pictures of soon enough.

In the meantime... nighty night. Bed is calling...

*change of scenery... i couldn't stand looking at that ridiculous picture of myself any longer, so here (instead) is a picture of my new toy. she's pretty.

My Sin is Showing

2008-02-19T09:36:00.010-06:00

And it ain't pretty.

I have become the ugly person I fooled myself into believing I could never be. I have shed much of the frailty and the fear of my illness in the last several months, and instead of putting on a robe of humility and gratitude for my survival... I've instead wrapped myself in loathing, bitterness and irritation. And it's imbedded itself into my being.

See, that's the thing about putting on garments of sin. Instead of draping you in comfort and light... they sink their invisible claws into your skin and rip you to shreds when you try to pull them off. And the longer you allow their embrace before forcing them off... the more deeply they gouge and the more fiercely they cling.

I have found myself irritated and coldly confrontational of late. And it's been strange territory for me. I don't regret that I've stood up for myself... but I do wholly regret the way in which I've done it. I've thought myself entitled to my anger and frustration... I've snapped at strangers and communicated with cruelty on my tongue and in my heart. And you know that thing you chant when you're little... "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? Yeah. That's a lie.

See. The truth is... sticks and stones may break your bones, but words live forever. They fester and tear relationships apart, and they grow into monsters that haunt us day and night. And I've spoken and written words that can never be taken back... they're out there now, and they're growing... and, worst of all, they're reproducing. Because some of my words have been spoken to others who've taken my monsters and uttered their own. And now those monsters are frolicking around... and breeding new, more powerful monsters. And I'm afraid they'll never stop. And the guilt I feel when I hear them growling around me is a burden I don't know how to carry.

Lord help me. Help me to shed these black robes. As painful as it will be to remove their thorny grasp, I need to bleed out these hideous thoughts and feelings. I want to smile on friends and enemies alike. I want to know humilty and shake off my pride. Help me to kill the monsters I've already spoken before they do any further damage... before they overtake me and everyone I love. And despite my unworthiness... forgive me. And help me to forgive those who have harmed me with their own monstrous words. Help me to remember that I've put these sinful robes on myself... that I am wholly to blame... that the actions, betrayals and sins of others are no excuse for my own. Of all things you've called me to do, Lord, loving those I find unlovable is perhaps the hardest for me. I never thought this would be true for me... but I'm finding it veritably impossible. Help me, Lord. Help me to change before I destroy myself... before these robes overtake me and bloody me beyond recognition. Forgive me, and help me to change.

That's Right...

2008-02-15T14:27:00.006-06:00

I spent more money on the ticket for this (sold out) show than on all the tickets for last year's shows combined... but I'm thinking,

"It's RADIOHEAD." Enough said.

I hope you're jealous. 'Cause I would be.

I'll Probably Regret this, but...

2008-02-14T11:52:00.005-06:00

excerpt from an article by Thomas Sowell (Thomas Sowell is a senior fellow at the Hoover Institute and author of Basic Economics: A Citizen's Guide to the Economy).

Because the word "fascist" is often thrown around loosely these days, as a general term of abuse, it is good that "Liberal Fascism" begins by discussing the real Fascism, introduced into Italy after the First World War by Benito Mussolini.

The Fascists were completely against individualism in general and especially against individualism in a free market economy. Their agenda included minimum wage laws, government restrictions on profit-making, progressive taxation of capital, and "rigidly secular" schools.

Unlike the Communists, the Fascists did not seek government ownership of the means of production. They just wanted the government to call the shots as to how businesses would be run.

They were for "industrial policy," long before liberals coined that phrase in the United States. Indeed, the whole Fascist economic agenda bears a remarkable resemblance to what liberals would later advocate.

Moreover, during the 1920s "progressives" in the United States and Britain recognized the kinship of their ideas with those of Mussolini, who was widely lionized by the left. Famed British novelist and prominent Fabian socialist H.G. Wells called for "Liberal Fascism," saying "the world is sick of parliamentary politics."

Another literary giant and Fabian socialist, George Bernard Shaw, also expressed his admiration for Mussolini -- as well as for Hitler and Stalin, because they "did things," instead of just talk. In Germany, the Nazis followed in the wake of the Italian Fascists, adding racism in general and anti-semitism in particular, neither of which was part of Fascism in Italy or in Franco's Spain. Even the Nazi variant of Fascism found favor on the left when it was only a movement seeking power in the 1920s.

W.E.B. DuBois was so taken with the Nazi movement that he put swastikas on the cover of a magazine he edited, despite complaints from Jewish readers.

Even after Hitler achieved dictatorial power in Germany in 1933, DuBois declared that the Nazi dictatorship was "absolutely necessary in order to get the state in order."

As late as 1937 he said in a speech in Harlem that "there is today, in some respects, more democracy in Germany than there has been in years past."

In short, during the 1920s and the early 1930s, Fascism was not only looked on favorably by the left but recognized as having kindred ideas, agendas and assumptions.

Only after Hitler and Mussolini disgraced themselves, mainly by their brutal military aggressions in the 1930s, did the left distance themselves from these international pariahs.

Fascism, initially recognized as a kindred ideology of the left, has since come down to us defined as being on "the right" -- indeed, as representing the farthest right, supposedly further extensions of conservatism.

If by conservatism you mean belief in free markets, limited government, and traditional morality, including religious influences, then these are all things that the Fascists opposed just as much as the left does today.

The left may say that they are not racists or anti-semites, like Hitler, but neither was Mussolini or Franco. Hitler, incidentally, got some of his racist ideology from the writings of American "progressives" in the eugenics movement.

Here's hoping people will stop throwing around labels incorrectly. Call us (right wing conservatives) what you will... but it's utterly ridiculous to call us Fascists.

Feb 14... Just Got Happier

2008-02-14T10:00:00.001-06:00

Thanks Kyle.

I Don't Want to Fight Anymore :)

2008-02-12T10:16:00.000-06:00

I'm stealing this from Rachel because I'm weak and I need a break from political speak. So here are seven strange things about yours truly... if anyone's interested.

one. Every night I listen to Benedictine Monks chanting as I fall asleep. It's the most peaceful thing in the world... and, in fact, I can't listen to it during the day or I nod off. Oh yeah... and I've done this for years. Even in college, and I'm pretty sure a few roommates thought I was in a cult or something.

two. I like to bury my face in my cats' fur when they're sleeping. I love how they smell and how they sound when they're purring and just being near them. I don't know from experience, but I'm pretty sure I'll also love to bury my face in my significant other's neck some day. It's actually something I very much look forward to.

three. I like lime juice on EVERYTHING. Well, maybe not EVERYTHING... but I like it on a lot of stuff. I've written about it here before, and most people already know this... but I really do LOVE LIMES.

four. I have never found fart humor to be all that funny. Well, bodily function humor in general is sort of lost on me. BUT... I have this fart cup thing... it's basically just a plastic cup with this gelatin stuff in it, and when you take it out of the cup and try to put it back in, it makes the most ridiculously realistic fart noises. And I think it's hilarious! I can seriously sit around playing with it for hours and cracking up. In fact, I think some of my neighbors might think I have a problem because I'm sure they walk by, hear (what they assume is me) farting and then laughing hysterically. But does that stop me? Nope.

five. I like to watch Disney movies when I'm sad. I don't know if this is really all that weird, but I thought... since I'm almost 27, it might be a little weird. The Emperor's New Groove and Finding Nemo are my two favorite movies to watch when I'm sad.

six. I really like vintage furniture, and I even like it in it's original (read: "ugly") vintage colors. Like mustard yellow, orange and olive green. I don't want a living room full of these colors or these styles. But I really really want one cool, funky, vintage chair. Just one. Or maybe two. Is that too much to ask?

seven. I really like how books smell. Sometimes I'll take a book off my shelf just to smell it. I've even learned which books have the most pleasant, in my opinion, scent. For instance... my Ray Bradbury paperback collection smells awesome. I love the paper they used, and for some reason it reminds me of childhood when I first discovered my love for books. Honestly, paperbacks usually smell better to me than hardbacks. Hardbacks just smell too new and ordinary. Paperbacks smell read and loved. Maybe this is why I love bookstores so much (especially Half Price Books and other used book stores)... because it smells like home and happiness to me. I sort of hope Heaven smells like the inside of a paperback... but again, that's just me.

I Need a Nap

2008-02-11T08:47:00.000-06:00

I have been a very bad blogger. If someone really cared to, I'd let you slap my hand. Lately I'm just so tired after work... and on top of that, I've been babysitting a couple nights a week, too. So there are evenings I leave my apartment at 7:50 in the morning and don't get home until 10:30 that night. Ugh... it makes me tired just thinking about it.

Then, I've also been engaged in a very interesting and educational debate with Candy Minx on Facebook. It's a three-way debate, as my dad has contributed to the conversation, as well. I made a comment on her blog last week that said something along the lines of, "I'll never vote for anyone who wants to establish universal health care in the U.S." She was puzzled by this "lack of open mindedness" and we've been debating ever since. This has occupied much of my thought and time in the evenings and over this past weekend... so, I've not said much here.

Today, however, I finally have something to share. Yesterday I decided (very suddenly) that I'm going to move. "Decided" might not be the right word for it, as "decided" implies forethought and consideration... whereas this was a "decision" made in the heat of the moment, while writing a fairly nasty (for me) e-mail to my joke of a landlord.

While I'm excited about what this could mean (it looks like I'll be getting an apartment with a precious friend, and we may have already found a place... which is awesome because all of this happened only yesterday)... but I also hate moving more than just about anything. I've managed to keep my life rather low-stress over the last couple of months, and I'm trying to remind myself that this is nothing to stress about. Stress is terrible for MS, and I can't risk sending myself into an exacerbation because I can't get my act together and just go with the flow. When I made the big move to Dallas (you know... the 30-some-odd mile "big" move), I had nightly panic attacks and more than one fit of hyperventilation. Nope... I'm not kidding.

And on top of that, I'm terrified that I'm going to go home this evening and find an eviction notice on my door or some other awful (and entirely uncalled for) notice because I insulted my landlord and essentially told him he's the worst sort of business person imaginable (only in ruder, less eloquent terms... if you can imagine that). So I'm trying to concentrate on other things... I'm reminding myself to breathe in and out... I'm trying to concentrate on the fact that I surived 2007 and all that it entailed (this should be a piece of cake in comparison).

So be thinking about me (or, if it's your sort of thing, maybe say a prayer or two)... and I'll keep you updated. And when I've gotten all this sorted out, hopefully I won't be so inclined to use this space as a "diary" and can once again at least attempt to exercise a little creativity.

Hook Me Up

2008-02-07T09:19:00.000-06:00

I've met the man of my dreams.

Okay... so "met" might be a bit of a stretch. The truth is, I've been watching his show (Mythbusters) for a few years now. And recently, I was asked to research this show for a story I was to write at work. In doing said research, I came across his biography.

Hailing from Indiana farm country, Jamie Hyneman is a multifaceted man: wilderness survival expert, boat captain, diver, linguist, animal wrangler, machinist and cook, to name a few. His career has been equally diverse: Jamie earned a degree in Russian language and ran a sailing/diving charter business in the Caribbean for several years before he moved over to the visual-effects industry. Once he had joined that field and had worked for several special-effects companies, Jamie found his way to Colossal Pictures' model shop, where he managed the production of models and special effects for hundreds of commercials and movies. Then, 16 years ago, Jamie took over the shop and created M5 Industries Inc.

I mean... wow. I didn't know men like this still existed. And it's funny because, even before reading his biography and learning more about all the amazing things he's done and knows... I sort of had a crush on him. My friends laughed at me, and I even wondered how this was possible. I mean... he's old enough to be my father, he always wears that funny little beret (which I actually think is kinda cute) and he's not exactly you're typical "tall, dark and handsome." But I love his quiet demeanor and the rare patience he appears (at least on the show) to possess. Oh yeah... and that awesome mustache/beard thing... well, we all know how I love the facial hair.

So if any of you know a guy (preferrably about 20 years younger) with even half this talent, brilliance and (at least potential for) experience... please, Hook. Me. UP.

"the ones with the 'G' on their helmet..."

2008-02-03T22:53:00.000-06:00

Tonight was a flippin' blast! A bunch of folks from my church (all the young'uns without any kids) got together for the Super Bowl. We had bratwurst (my friend boils it in beer and then slaps it on the grill... I'm not typically a fan of the intestine-looking meat... but this was goo-ood), beer, seven-layer dip and blueberry pie. Oh yeah... and I think there might have been a football game, too.

Apparently it was pretty awesome... as my friend Sara put it... "that team with the G on their helmets" won the game, causing one of the biggest NFL upsets in... oh I don't know... a long time, I guess. I have to be honest... I could care less about pro-football. Well, any pro-sport actually. So I only caught the last minute or so of the game (I did get to see that final, pivotal touchdown that brought the Giants the win... so I feel pretty good).

Anyway... this is sort of a meaningless post, 'cause I'm sure anyone who really cares, already knows the Giants won. But I just wanted to write a post commemorating that today... February 3, 2008... was a very good day. "Why is this worth commemorating?" you ask. Because one year ago today, I spent the day vomiting my guts out before being rushed to the ER in an ambulance. One year ago today was the day my life turned to crap and set the ball rolling for what would become the worst year of my life. But today... one year later... everything is different.

Today I am employed and actually look forward to going to work every morning. Today I am, from all indications, symptom free and feeling better than I have in four years. And I imagine it's probably getting fairly old hearing me talk about how happy I am and how good I feel for the first time in four years... but I don't want to stop saying it. I don't want to forget where I've been and how amazing it is that I am where I am now (that's a weird sentence). So I might keep talking about it for a while... 'cause I'm so happy to be happy and healthy. And I don't want it to end.

So... go Giants! Glad we can both be winners today (dang. Now that's a cheesy ending.)

P.S. I just Googled "NY Giants" hoping to find an image of the 'G' helmet only to discover that the NY Giants DON'T HAVE a 'G' on their helmets!! But that's how us non-enthusiasts referred to them all evening... that shows how much we paid attention tonight.

Breathtaking

2008-01-31T10:32:00.000-06:00

Last night I finally got around to seeing El Orfanato; and I have to say, I was utterly blown away by this film. It's, without doubt, one of my new favorites. It was terrifying, beautiful, heartbreaking and unpredictable. As I've told everyone who will listen, this is far more than a typical horror movie. Yes... parts of it were terrifying. In fact, one of the friends who accompanied me was literally curled into a ball for the latter half of the movie. But for the most part, it was simply a harrowing story in a creepy setting.

So many have already reviewed this film that I don't feel the need to go into detail regarding the story (if you want me to tell you about it though... let me know... I could talk about it for hours). But I did want to highlight a few of the elements that, for me, made El Orfanato extraordinary. First of all, the actors were fantastic. Everyone put in an excellent performance, and early on I found myself deeply invested in the outcome of each character. Secondly, the set and art direction (as always in a del Torro film) were phenomenal. But I really think the most amazing element of this film was the sound direction. The creaking of the hardwood floors, the thumping behind the walls, the crashing of the waves... every sound was distinctly true and eery.

Anything I say here will only diminish the effect El Orfanato had on me... I loved it that much. But to close, I must also admit that I cried at the end. I can honestly say I have never come close to crying in a scary movie before. The stories are simply never powerful enough. Most movies of the genre rely too heavily on scare tactics, blood, gore and supernatural things "that go bump in the night" (if you will). I'm not saying no other horror movie is good or worth watching or has a decent storyline. But none that I've seen hold a candle to the story told here. The end broke my heart and despite my best effort, I couldn't stop the flood of tears pouring down my face throughout the final 15 minutes of the film.

If you think you can handle the fear factor, and if you haven't already seen it... I highly recommend this film. I didn't think I'd say this... but I loved it even more than Pan's Labyrinth. And coming from me, that's quite an assertion.

Seven 8s

2008-01-29T16:41:00.000-06:00

Thanks to my lovely friend Jana for tagging me with this survey thing. I find myself too tired after work (still adjusting) to want to really write much of anything, and tonight... I'm going to the grocery store after work, then heading home, putting on my pajamas and watching Hellboy. Seems everytime I'm lost and without anything new or interesting to say, I get tagged... and wa-la! A solution!

8 Things I’m Passionate About...

1. my faith -- studying it, discussing it, sharing it, resting in it

2. my friends and family

3. the written word

4. film/music (combining them because they're so linked for me)

5. my cats (animals in general, really)

6. travel

7. learning

8. people ... relationships

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die...

1. travel A LOT more (NZ in particular)

2. write at least one novel

3. read Les Miserables all the way through

4. get married (just being honest)

5. buy a home with a yard so I can have dogs

6. read the entire Bible

7. live internationally

8. get involved with some sort of charitable organization serving people with disabilities

8 Things I Say Often...

1. I'm sorry

2. seriously

3. so sorry

4. dangit

5. Whoops... I'm sorry.

6. Number 3, 4-pack with a Dr Pepper, please

7. Sorry to bother you, but...

8. Yeah or Okay or Sure (any variation of yes... I don't say no enough)

8 TV Shows I’ve Recently Watched...

1. Friends (shocker)

2. Arrested Development

3. The Office

4. Project Runway

5. MythBusters

6. Man vs. Wild

7. Blue Planet

8. What Not to Wear

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over...

1. "With God on Our Side" -Bob Dylan

2. "Tonight Will Be Fine" -Teddy Thompson (Leonard Cohen)

3. "Hallelujah" -Rufus Wainwright (Leonard Cohen)

4. "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" -Sufjan Stevens

5. "Such Great Heights" -Iron & Wine

6. "The Trapeze Swinger" -Iron & Wine

7. "Do You Realize" -The Flaming Lips

8. "We Will Become Silhouettes" -The Postal Service

8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends...

1. loyalty

2. sense of humor

3. non-judgmental, open-mindedness

4. spontaneity

5. thoughtfulness

6. creativity

7. curiosity/fascination

8. kindness

8 Things I’ve Learned (or been reminded of) This Past Year...

1. my faith is very small

2. no matter how small, my faith allows me to survive

3. life can be good

4. life is usually really hard

5. experiencing creativity brings me joy

6. being sick sucks

7. friends and family are irreplaceable

8. mean people suck

**I'm not going to tag anyone because so few of you ever actually fill these things out. But if you so choose, I promise I'll read and comment and learn a little more about you.

It's About Time!

2008-01-27T23:20:00.001-06:00

This weekend, I FINALLY got around to seeing a couple of the movies everyone's been raving about... movies I've been wanting to see for (in one case) more than a year [a friend of a friend of mine worked on art direction for There Will Be Blood, and she told us all about it back when they were filming the movie in Marfa, Texas].

I don't think I can adequately express how blown away I was by both films. I feel like I need to see them both again... perhaps a few more times... to fully glean all each film had to offer. But I don't know that my nerves (or my wallet) could handle it.

First... I saw There Will Be Blood last night, and I think I was holding my breath through 80% of the film. What an intense ride! Much of this, I think, had to do with the brilliant soundtrack, composed by Radiohead's very own Jonny Greenwood. It was, at times, haunting... at others, majestic... and in between, simply breathtaking. When we left the theater, a friend commented that it might have been a bit too intense. "Every time the movie took me to a scene where I felt I could finally loosen up a bit, the music would put me on edge again. I never felt like I could really relax," he mused.

"Exactly the point, and the brilliance... I thought," was my response. I honestly don't think P.T. Anderson wanted us to relax while watching Blood. Even without the powerful soundtrack, I don't know how anyone could have relaxed with Daniel Plainview (played to perfection by Daniel Day Lewis) on the screen. I've said before that I think one of the most callous characters I've ever seen portrayed on the screen was the General from Pan's Labyrinth... but that was until I met Plainview. I wanted so much to like him at times but, in the end, found it impossible. Perhaps it was only because we saw more of Plainview... got to know the inner workings of his thoughts and actions more intimately than the General's... but I found the oil man to be much more calculating and vengeful than the Spaniard.

In fact, another comment made as we walked out of the Angelika was, "There wasn't a decent, likeable character in that movie." Of course, we backtracked a bit and agreed that perhaps that was an overstatement. I very much liked H.W. Plainview... and Mary... she was pretty sweet. But that was it.

Once again, Anderson has created a complex world in which the central characters are so obsessed with themselves and their own hatred for everyone around them that even when they accomplish all they've hoped and worked and killed for... satisfaction, happiness, contentedness... are nowhere to be found. It's a shocking, heartbreaking film... and if you can handle the blood and the cruelty... I can't recommend this film highly enough. [And on top of the intensity and stunning performances... Blood sheds a fascinating light on wealth and religious fanaticism. But these are both themes I'd need to explore again with a second viewing. I was far too wound up and clenched to really examine all P.T.A. intended to express regarding these notions.]

Then... tonight I went to see No Country For Old Men. Once again, I don't think I remembered to breathe through more than half the film. I migrated from the edge of my seat to hunched in a ball with hands clasped over my mouth... i.e. I was a nervous wreck. I don't know why. I'm normally not such a physical movie watcher... but I couldn't help but react to what played out before my eyes. Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) rivals Plainview when it comes to my idea of the most evil film character... and the more I think about it... the more I think he actually wins the title. There was one person I think Plainview, in spite of himself, really cared for. Chigurh... not so much.

Bardem was absolutely terrifying in his portrayal of a psychotic, unflinching serial killer. In fact, while I know it was only a movie... I think I would run away screaming if I ever saw ol' Javier walking toward me. He was that brilliant. And, in fact, I think all of the actors in this film put in perfect performances. Perhaps it is because I'm from Texas and therefore recognized so much of the landscape and the dialect... but I loved the West Texas response to the terror and havoc being wrecked upon the normally quiet world around them. I liked the naïvety and foolish courage of Chigurh's prey. And I loved the Coen brothers' classic wit sprinkled throughout... as well as their tendency to put the violence right in front of you at times, while at other times only showing you the aftermath.

No Country is another I think everyone (once again, everyone who can stomach the blood and cruelty) should see. It's not simply a mindless bloodbath. Like Blood, there is so much more to the movie than merely violence. Is it possible to reason with a man who knows no reason? Can anyone, ultimately, escape his fate?

I read somewhere... to be frank, I think it was in an admittedly conservative publication... that this year's top films seem to all glorify a wholly nihilistic worldview... or to at least exist in one. And while I agree with the latter, I would definitely counter the first. Both of these films center around heartless individuals who value nothing and care, in all reality, not even for themselves. I think they both believe that they care for themselves... and yet both deny themselves any recognizable sense of relationship or lifestyle... and consequently, neither are ever fulfilled or content. So while both films might exist in a nihilistic landscape... neither would encourage any sane human being to exist there, too.

I Got Sunshine, In a Bag

2008-01-24T23:52:00.000-06:00

Somehow it feels inappropriate to be writing this blog immediately following the last... but I don't really want to put it off any longer... and it's depressing that every time I come to my blog, that post is front and center. So here goes...

I'm happy, guys. Like... seriously, can't stop smiling, laughing all the time, want to hug everyone I see... h-a-p-p-y. I know this elation won't last forever, and it's not something most people would be this excited about; but despite knowing that I'll eventually find myself sad again over one thing or another... right now, I'm just enjoying my rediscovery of Happy. It's suddenly occurred to me over the last few days that I had literally forgotten what it was to be happy. I think I had written off my chances of ever feeling this way again. And then I just... forgot.

I had settled so deeply into the darkness, that I made a little home for myself there. I nestled myself against the cold stone wall, made a little bed in the dirt and prepared to live a long life in darkness. But my friends, my family, God, the self I used to know... wouldn't have it. And I can't put into words how wonderful it feels to be standing in the sunshine again.

That distant hope I wrote about back whenever it was... it's grown. I feel a genuine sense of hope and gratitude for where I am and how I feel. I really believe, for the first time in four years, that I might just live. And I don't mean simply survive... breathe in and out... walk to and fro... lie down and get up. I mean L-I-V-E live. I know it scares those who know and love me to hear it... but there have been more times than I can count over the last four years that I have literally begged God to let me die. And I don't say this to win sympathy or frighten anyone... but I had given up. I had no hope that I would ever again be capable of accomplishing anything that might make my life worthwhile. And on top of that... I was miserable and weak.

But my strength is returning. I feel like I have the chance to make a real impact on the world around me... through my job... through my church... through the relationships I'm so abundantly blessed to know. And I thank God for this sunshine. I thank God that I'm still here... that I get to live. And that I once again know what it is to be happy.

Another Hollywood Tragedy

2008-01-22T21:45:00.000-06:00

It seems death at an early age is so common in Hollywood these days. Most of the time I read the stories quietly, bow my head, say a small prayer for the family and then go about my business.

But today, reading that Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment at only 28, I've felt a deep sadness... and it hasn't faded.

I guess it's because I sort of grew up watching Ledger... from his heartthrob role in 10 Things I Hate About You to the brave but unruly son in The Patriot to the relentless wannabe knight in A Knight's Tale (which, despite it's cheesiness, is still one of my favorites). I had a celebrity crush on him beginning in high school... and, to be honest, it never really went away.

I have enormous respect for the work he's done and the way in which he's done it. And I'm sad that we'll never get to see what he might have become. Just watching the previews for Brokeback Mountain and reading the praise he's received for his role in it, I know he had made major strides in his talent as an actor. And now, seeing trailers for The Dark Knight, I think it's safe to say he put in his best performance to date as the Joker. See for yourself (below).

It's utterly tragic what's happening to so many young Hollywood stars these days. But then again... I guess it's nothing new, really. Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Kurt Cobain, Elliott Smith... the list goes on... and today we have Ledger, Brad Renfro (another one I grew up watching), Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears (I know they're not dead... but I don't think anyone will argue they're pretty-well f---ed up). It makes me wonder why anyone would choose that lifestyle. And more than anything, it makes me sad. I love film and music... and I wish the Hollywood/celebrity obsession and public voyeurism would stop so these people could do what they do and keep on living.

*note: I can't deny I'm extremely excited about this film. I get chills every time I see the preview, and my heart rate speeds up a tad whenever I hear mention of it. I don't know what (if anything) will happen with the movie as a result of Ledger's death. But I'm not lying when I say that his is the performance I've most anticipated... with or without his tragedy.

A.MEN.

2008-01-21T12:21:00.000-06:00

Both atheists and Christians claim to be pursuing truth. Atheists believe that truth is discovered, and Christians that truth is revealed; but both claim to have the same goal. Which means... we should be able to discourse openly and respectfully and without fear. When we are fearful and agitated, we should question whether we are really concerned with truth at all...

This is an excerpt from the notes I took during a seminar on The Golden Compass, which I attended last night. I don't know that "seminar" is the right name for it, actually. Really it was just my pastor and a small group (about 25) from my church sitting in a coffee shop discussing the trilogy, the movie and Christians' overreaction to all of the above.

I can't put into words how strongly this statement resonates with me, and I hope you'll all agree. Truthfully... I think the fact that we are all friends here in cyberland, despite our vast differences, proves that we agree. I hope to always come across as willing to "discourse openly and respectfully and without fear." Please... hold me to this. And if need be, I'll do the same for you.

*note: I also wanted to point out that while the above statement mentions only atheists and Christians (because of the Christians vs. Pullman mindset), I think it's safe to say everyone is searching for truth... atheist, Christian, agnostic, Buddhist, spiritualist, Muslim, Mormon... you name it. So I think this statement applies to all of us. Just sayin...

God Is Good

2008-01-17T22:16:00.000-06:00

So, today marked the end of the work week for me. Tomorrow I'm getting on a plane and flying to St. Louis for a wedding... so my first week was only four days. And I'm SAD about it! Can you believe it?!? 'Cause I can't. I'm not a workaholic, never-leave-the-office type... not in any way, shape or form. But I find myself excited to go to work every morning. Waking up hasn't even been that hard because I'm so ready to get to the office.

I'm fairly certain I'll come down from this cloud at some point and find some days here and there where I'd rather be anywhere else than at work. But for now... for now, I love it. And I can't wait till Monday. Wow. Never thought THOSE words would come out of my mouth (or through my fingers).

I don't want to go into too much detail here because I made the stupid mistake of telling a few people at work that I blog (seriously... someone slap me). And I'm 99.9% positive that at least one of those people has Googled me and checked out Notions (it's called a site reader, folks). Anyway... I'm not saying anything bad... I don't have anything bad to say at this point. But I probably won't be blogging about work anymore from this point forward. I just had to share how excited I am to be doing something (I think) I'm really going to love. It looks like travel could be involved... there's already been way more creativity than I ever used at my previous two jobs... and (so far) I really really like everyone I'm working with.

And I have to say... again... God is so good to me. I wish I remembered it more often... I wish I recognized it more often... I wish I believed it more often. Because, despite the hideousness of last year, His goodness has been poured over me time and time again... and I can't deny it. I know it's so much easier for me to say it now, and I wish that weren't the case. But I hope I've never come across (here or anywhere) that I trust Him or believe in Him only when things are going my way. Sure, it's easier to feel it in times like these. But I'm not lying when I say that I always know it.

I imagine I also say it so seldom here because I know so many (the vast majority, in fact) don't believe what I believe and actually sort of hate what I believe. I wish that didn't affect the way and frequency with which I write about what's important to me... what I know in my heart to be true. But I'm saying it now, and I hope it's never forgotten... regardless of how often (or not) I say it. Because my life would be bleak and empty if it weren't for the faith I'm afraid to write about. In all truth, I don't know that I'd still be alive if it weren't for my faith. I don't mean to take this happy, hopeful post down a dark road... but I honestly came terrifyingly close to... y'know... on more than one occasion. And the only thing that held me back was my faith that there must be more for me here. There must be more He wants for me to accomplish and experience.

So anyway... God answered a lot of prayers when He opened the door to this job. And boy did He open the door. I didn't apply for this job. I'd never even heard of this company. I would never have thought to look for a job in south Arlington. I (obviously) didn't even understand what the job entailed when I interviewed or even when I accepted. So one more time, and with all the aplomb I can muster... GOD. IS. GOOD.

I Hear You, Hope!

2008-01-15T13:25:00.000-06:00

I don't have much to say except, so far, I love my new job. My coworkers seem wonderful, and it's actually a fairly young company (as far as the employees go). We have a ton of paid vacation (compared to every other company I've ever worked for). The commute, while longer than I'd like, isn't bad at all. The health insurance looks good. And it looks like what I'll be doing will be a lot more creative than I originally thought. This morning, for example, I was invited to sit in on a brainstorming session for a webisode we're doing for one of our clients. I even put forth some ideas that led to what we eventually decided to run with... so I feel good.

I also found out today that I'm going to be responsible for the final phase of a project that's going out the door next week. Most of the company is going to be in Hawaii for a company retreat (dang... hope I get to go next year), so I'll be taking over while they're out. I'm a little nervous, but I've watched a similar project go through the final stages for the past two days... met with the lead and the art director... and I think I actually know what needs to happen. So yay.

I've got a good feeling about this. It seems no matter how much I resist, Hope is rattling my cage and reminding me she's out there. If I can just stay healthy and keep going the way I've been going... I really believe 2008 could be a very good year.

Deep Breath...

2008-01-13T21:42:00.001-06:00

Well... tomorrow's my first day at the new job. And of course, I've procrastinated and accomplished almost none of the stuff I wanted to get done before I start. So now it's 9:30 on Sunday night, and I still haven't finished this freelance story I'm writing... I haven't picked out what I'm going to wear tomorrow (I hate having to think about this stuff... this is when it sucks that I'm such a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal... I've got no idea what to wear)... and I haven't cleaned my apartment or baked all the goodies I intend to send to Krystal, Shea, Z, Red and asterisk. Sheesh! So much for starting the year off right...

Oh well. Wish me luck. I've decided I'm just going to finish writing this story, send it to my editor, brush my teeth, and go to bed. I don't remember the last time I had to wake up before 7:00 am, and I'm not looking forward to it. Guess I'll clean sometime this week, and I'll just have to do my baking after work one evening.

Procrastinating is fun at the time... but man does it come back to bite you in the @$$ down the road. Nighty night...

A New Favorite

2008-01-11T17:57:00.001-06:00

I just finished reading, for the first time, Bram Stoker's Dracula... and I feel elated. What a beautiful, gripping, terrifying story! It's no wonder Dracula has become one of the world's most legendary characters. Not only is the book frightening, but it's also beautifully written. I was awed by Stoker's mastery of dialects [for example: Van Helsing was always quoted in a distinctly Germanic dialect]. I was also impressed with Stoker's ability to use such elevated language and yet still hold me captivated to the point that I was always hesitant to put the book down, regardless of how late it got [I love eloquent language, but books I typically consider to be "page-turners" are seldom written this way].

Morbidly, I've always been fascinated by vampire lore; but somehow I'd put off reading this for years. And because I'd not yet read Dracula, I've also avoided reading the likes of Anne Rice and others who've followed in Stoker's steps. Now I look forward to trying out Rice and whoever else of the genre might be recommended to me.

I highly encourage anyone who hasn't already to read this book. It's a frightening tale, yes. But not so much so that I'd be hesitant to advise anyone to read it. In fact, some might go so far as to say it's really not that scary. But I can't even begin to emphasize how crazy my imagination is... which, coupled with the fact that I've been reading Dracula almost exclusively late at night, has led to a thrilling literary experience for me.

I'm so excited to now start watching a few of the legendary films based on this novel... films that I've shockingly not yet viewed. If anyone else shares my interest and has a favorite Dracula adaption, I'd love to hear (err... read) your suggestions. And seriously... Shea, Adam... anyone else who revels in all things terror... read it. You won't regret it.

P.S. The image above is of the exact edition I've been reading. Edward Gorey is a delightfully macabre illustrator, and this book is a beautiful example of his work. It's dark and comical all at once... and I love the simplicity of his illustrations throughout the book. If you're like me and like to have interesting editions of your literature... I highly recommend this version.

politics

2008-01-10T10:58:00.000-06:00

I swore I'd never talk politics on my blog... I hate politics. I wish I didn't. But I do. I think people wish they really knew what they were talking about; but seldom do I come in contact with anyone who actually does. This is why I hate politics.

Socialism sounds wonderful. Fairness... equality... everyone gets something. But it DOESN'T WORK. And you'll never ever convince me otherwise. Socialism is Utopia... an ideal world that won't work because people are self-serving and lazy. Socialism takes incentive out of the equation. And without incentive... well, you get a world full of people doing nothing and a few people doing a half-ass job while bitching about the fact that they're the only ones doing anything. What's more... history has PROVEN that it doesn't work... and it never will.

Government shouldn't be in place to solve our problems. I don't believe (and again, you'll never convince me otherwise) that our government was created to do so. I'd also go so far as to say that when government tries to solve our problems... it only makes them worse.

Welfare has made our country poorer and more dependent. It's made people think themselves entitled... it's made people lazy... it's eliminated incentive.

Charity is the answer... not government. Driving... living more economically is the answer... not government. Individuals are the answer... not government. And frankly... not only does this line of thinking make me Libertarian... it makes me Conservative. Fiscally I am and will always be conservative. My money is MY money... I earned it. I believe I should use some... a good portion when possible... to help others less fortunate. But I want the right to choose whether and how much and who. That's none of the government's business. I work... I have insurance as a benefit of that work... I receive a paycheck as a result of that work... therefore, I can pay for medical care for my poor health.

I hate that there are people who don't have this luxury (the luxury of health insurance and/or income), and I want them to receive health care, too. But I can't pay for it... and I shouldn't have to. And neither should the millionaire down the road who has worked for years to build that wealth. Now understand what I'm saying... he should help... but he shouldn't have to. Anyway, I know politics goes way beyond what little I'm saying here (for example, I DO think government is in place to help people who can't help themselves and offer regulated assistance... etc). But I'm not left, and I never will be. I know almost all of my faithful, beloved blog pals are... and that makes me sad. I love you... but I can't see how you've thought through what works and what doesn't. Emotionally... I'd say I'm a liberal. But realistically, logically... I'm conservative. And when it comes time to vote... I choose to vote logically.

And that's all the political speak you'll see from me here. I hate politics.

Thanks to Rachel for posting this on her blog. I enjoyed taking this quiz and seeing where I fall. I'm excited... because I (that little red dot on the colorful scale) fell exactly where I hoped and imagined I would.

Get Out of the Rocking Chair

2008-01-09T11:01:00.000-06:00

Whoops... sorry I raised so many concerns about my mental health with yesterday's post. It was really just a rant... working out confusing thoughts that I'm sure when we're really honest with ourselves... we've all had at one time or another. The truth is... I've gone through some pretty hard stuff over the last few years, and I haven't really dealt with myself up to this point. I'm jaded, it's true... but I promise, I'm not depressed. I'm just confused and frustrated.

You might say... I'm being a baby. Things haven't gone my way, and I think I'm sort throwing a mental temper tantrum. I got a disease and have been sick A LOT... no one wants that. I fell for a boy who didn't want me back. Now I feel all weird around him even though I'm finally okay with it and "over" him. I wanted a great job... doing fun work and writing creative things. And instead I'm going to be writing employee manuals and benefits plans. I might love it... but it's not exactly what I had in mind. I wanted (desperately) to move away. I wanted to take a leap of faith and JUST GO. But I didn't get the job, and then I chickened out of just going anyway... and now I'm stuck for who knows how long in the DFW Metroplex. I wanted to make a certain amount of money, and while I got much closer to that amount with this job... I'm still not there. I wanted a digital camera for Christmas, and instead I got Scrabble: The Onyx Edition [kidding, daddy... I seriously LOVE Scrabble, and I had a very wonderful and blessed Christmas... can't ask for more than that]. Anyway, you get the idea... I'm a baby.

But today... today, things are looking up. Because today I FINALLY got a new cell phone... and I must say, it's pretty awesome. So while I'm still strangely satisfied with sitting around in silence in my little apartment all by myself... things are looking up. Maybe I'll call some people tomorrow and won't spend another evening sitting around in silence...

"Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." ~Dorothy Galyean

Dark Thoughts

2008-01-08T00:13:00.000-06:00

For some reason, I've had little motivation to write here over the last couple of weeks, and I'm a little perplexed as to why. I still love reading everyone else's blogs, and I wish I wanted to write. I think I'm in a dark place right now, and I'm just not dealing with it. And at the same time, I'm not really sure where I am... whether it's a dark place or simply no place at all. Part of me feels a lot of hope for this year, and another (louder and more insistent) part of me is terrified of hope and just knows that at any moment I'm going to be sick and broke and unemployed and heartbroken... just like last year... and most of the three years prior to last year.

Wow... whatever happened to the glass-half-full optimist I once was I'll never know. Not only am I confused about my own feelings and wondering whether I've really faced and dealt with all the demons that have terrorized me over the last few years, but I've also just plain felt strange as of late. I've found myself longing always for solitude and consistently irritated with all but a small handful of my friends. I also find myself thinking, "I really don't like a lot of people"... and I'm pretty confident a lot of these people really don't like me. I think people believe they should like me because "everyone else does." I'm that rare bird that has spent the vast majority of her life with few, if any, enemies. In the past, I've tended to believe this is a wonderful quality and actually taken pride in characterizing myself as such. However, I'm beginning to think this is because I'm weak and boring. Surely if I was strong and fascinating, there would be people who loved me and people who hated me. I'm not saying everyone loves me... but it's certainly been a rare occurrence for anyone to hate me. I guess I'm simply not threatening... worthy of envy or intrigue... and I don't often step on people's toes. Ugh... just describing myself, I'm bored.

Lately I'm almost scared by how indifferent I am towards people I'm pretty sure I love. There are times I even experience a fairly sincere loathing for these people... and that terrifies me above all else. I imagine I won't feel this way forever, and I'm so worried that I'm beginning to alienate people I not only love (despite how I might feel now) but also sort of depend on. I'm worried I'm starting to form some of those enemies I've lived so much of my life without. And I don't know how to stop it because I'm in this dark place of indifference and loathing... and I can't seem to make myself care all that much.

It's all very strange and confusing. And I apologize if this worries, angers or irritates any of you. I intended to sit down and write reviews of the three movies (Sweeney Todd, Atonement and Charlie Wilson's War... all of which I absolutely LOVED, by the way) I've seen in the last couple of weeks; but this is what came out instead. I'd simply delete it and start over... but I'm hoping this might be therapeutic for me. I've also felt like this indifference and irritation is affecting the way and frequency with which I write here because I do consider all of you to be my real and true friends regardless of whether we've met face-to-face... and therefore I must count you among those I sincerely love and yet may possibly be alienating and annoying.

Then again, this all may make absolutely no sense to anyone. But look at me... I'm about to hit "Publish Post" anyway. So I guess I need to pray that this little hope I have might soon grow in voice and emphasis and I'll be singing a different tune very soon. I'll be in touch...

In My Wildest Dreams

2008-01-07T00:00:00.000-06:00

I'm stealing this from Kim and Jana. Last year I made like 40-some-odd "resolution" things and probably succeeded in accomplishing about half (if that). And last year sucked. So much it makes me cringe to think of it. So this year, I'm saying... "forget resolutions. I'd rather list some wild and crazy aspirations."

These are more fun anyway... especially for someone like me who prefers to live in a fantasy world. So here goes.

If money, reality, logic, health, fear were no object... I'd:

1) Sell almost everything I own (except for my books, movies and music) and move to New Zealand for a year or two. Live on a sheep farm. And daydream all day long while I herded (or whatever else you do with) sheep. And when I was tired of daydreaming and herding the sheep... I'd climb mountains and go find Hobbiton (yes, it's still there and in tact) and learn to surf and run through fields of pretty flowers and just live always in awe of God's glorious creation. Seriously... this is a beautiful (aesthetically) world we live in, and I want to experience it in a real way.

2) Move somewhere with mountains and ocean both so nearby that I could taste and smell them as I walked out my door. I'd do this right now, this very moment... not caring what anyone anywhere thinks or says. And in my warped reality, I'd be able to take my church with me. And I'd have unlimited funds and time to travel back and forth and/or have my family and friends come visit me. (as I said... reality and logic are not considerations in my list)

3) Very soon meet, fall (mutually) madly in love with a tall, dark (preferably bearded or capable of being bearded) stranger who loves cats AND dogs... is as willing as I am to spend almost every night watching a movie in our pajamas and then discussing said films late into the night. He'd also love to read and let me (on occasion) read aloud to him (one of my favorite things to do) and we'd live... I don't need happily. I just want to live and love.

4) Buy an old(er) house, fix it up and turn it into a bookstore with a coffee shop built in (my precious friend Christina would own and run the coffee shop). We'd have children's story time, open mic poetry nights, reading groups... and all sorts of other fun regular and interactive events. We'd never have to worry that Barnes & Noble was about to put us out of business... and I wouldn't have to have a lick of business sense (because this reality, I'm afraid I simply can't escape).

5) Travel to the following places (in no particular order) and spend enough time in each of them to really get a feel and appreciation for the places (if such a thing is even possible):

New Zealand, Australia, Africa, Russia (again), Peru (again), Vietnam, Italy, England, Ireland, Scotland, Japan, Brazil, Spain, Canada, Alaska, Germany, Mexico, Colorado (the Rockies, specifically), Hawaii... really, I'd like to go everywhere. But these are all places I sincerely hope to experience one day and will be greatly saddened if the opportunity never arises

BONUS: Write. Seriously. Not just here on my blog. But for real. And for ever and always. In fact, it is my goal to write a novel this year. It's not a resolution because I'm the farthest thing from a "type-A" personality and I'm going to have to agree with Rachel that "type-A" people are typically the ones who follow through with resolutions. But it's a goal, and I pray I have the courage to see it through.

Dang. I wish I could live in a world of my own design. That would be cool. Very cool.

...

2008-01-06T00:53:00.000-06:00

sorry for the absence. internet was down for a few days and because of the holiday, it took F O R E V E R for the dude from AT&T to get over here and repair it.

anyway... just didn't want you guys to think i'm dead or in the hospital or anything like that. i'll make it around to everyone's blogs tomorrow... and i'll write something myself soon, too.

for now though... g'night, sweet friends.

2008-01-01T12:13:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year, everyone!

Here's to new beginnings...

Together As One

2007-12-31T00:31:00.000-06:00

I want so much to write something beautiful and hopeful and resonant. It is the last day of 2007, after all. But for some reason, I'm sad and vulnerable and angry and confused... so many things which make it impossible to write. I thought I'd grown up. That I was stronger than this. That I had enough confidence in myself that things like this wouldn't bother me anymore. I know none of you have any idea what "this" is... but as with most of what I've written lately, I guess this is mostly for me.

I have enormous faults. I am selfish... careless... judgmental... self-absorbed... easily aggravated. But I also love... and I love well. And I'm not talking about romantically or anything like that. My life hasn't gone that direction just yet, and I don't have any idea how I'll be in that department. I hope I'll be more selfless, more considerate and more patient. But when it comes to my friends and family, those who know me and know me well... know that I would do anything in my power for them. I love surprising my friends with little things that show them I care and that I pay attention. I love listening to them and reassuring them that they're really not crazy... "I know I've been there, too." And I really truly believe that I'm a good friend. Beyond that, I think I'm pretty damn cool, too.

So why does it bother me so much when I feel rejected and betrayed by someone I thought was a friend? I wish I was one of those people who could shrug it off and think... "too bad for them... he/she's the one missing out." But despite the confidence I've gained over the last several years... despite the fact that I know you'll be hard-pressed to find a more loyal, devoted friend than I... despite all this... I still get hurt. And I struggle with wondering what I did or didn't do to hurt said "friend." I decide it must be my fault... that if only I tried just a little bit harder, things would be different.

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them. -Isaiah 11:6

Someone who was once a beloved friend gave me this verse; and it was only a few months later that I spoke (err... wrote) without thinking and virtually destroyed any chance of our ever being friends again. That is... until we meet again in Heaven. I like to think this is why he chose to give me this of all verses... because he knew that right now, our relationship may be broken. It may look like nothing either of us would ever want for ourselves or for each other. But one day...

One day we will walk together arm in arm, smiling together as we worship our Lord in harmony. This is the only truth I cling to in times like these. Times when I feel so hurt and helpless. I wish I didn't have to wait... but in the meantime, I'll cling to this truth... and I'll look to the day when a little child shall lead the prey and their predators together as one.

Looking Back

2007-12-29T13:34:00.001-06:00

Another self-absorbed post to round out the year. Oh, and I'll do Rachel's meme at the same time... basically you just post the first sentence of the first blog from each month. And so... looking back, this was my 2007...

January
I spent New Year's in New York City with some of my dearest friends. Felt healthier than I'd felt in ages and was sure 2007 was going to be a great year. Remember this? Hahaha... didn't make nearly as much progress as I would have liked.

1/8 "Yay!!! After a week-and-a-half hiatus, I'm back from all my travels..."

February
Went into the hospital for vertigo the first weekend in February, went in a week later and took more steroids than any human should ever have to endure. Then I blew up like a whale, slept very little and cut myself off from society.

2/2 "It's people like this... who make people like me ashamed to admit they're a fan of anything."

March
Decided, with prodding from my neurologist, to start chemotherapy. Had port-placement surgery. Cut off 16 inches of my hair to donate to "Locks of Love" and prevent the trauma of losing my hair in massive, 20+ inch clumps. Dustin, my college pastor and one of the most influential people in my life, finally passed away after succumbing to the brain trauma caused when he fell off his bicycle back in November '06.

3/3 "I've. Got. Nothing. Zip. Nada."

April
Turned 26 and had two amazing birthday parties with all my beautiful friends. Entered my second month of chemo. Went back to work after three months of being unable to drive as a result of the vertigo and seizures in my right leg.

4/2 "With everything that's gone on in the last two months, I feel as though I've lived a thousand lifetimes."

May
More chemo. Dyed my hair blue. Saw Bright Eyes at Palladium. Saw Hot Fuzz. Kind of a low-key month.

5/1 "now I just have to wait for it to arrive in the mail... *twiddling thumbs*"

June
Even more chemo and got sick a few times. Hit a low point, emotionally and didn't really write much in June.

6/4 "I did not get enough sleep this weekend, and I'm feeling it now."

July
Chemo... blah blah blah. Saw a fantastic art exhibit at The Modern in Fort Worth. Developed a barely-legal crush on Shia LaBeouf. Read the final installment of the Harry Potter series in one day.

7/1 "I wasn't officially tagged, but asterisk said anyone could do it."

August
Last round of chemo. Finally saw La Femme Nikita (yeah... I loved it enough to include it in this list of "momentous" events). Cut off the last of my hair. Wrote a poem for the first time in months. Finally started feeling better but also began contemplating a change of scenery.

8/3 "So... despite all my love and affection for zombie movies and all my instincts to vote otherwise... my heart for family and friends won over and has therefore given me only a 44% chance of survival in event of a zombie invasion."

September
No more chemo! Celebrated my friend Jenn's induction into the Fire Academy. I think she's my hero. Finally saw Cinema Paradiso and fell in love with the power of film all over again. Discovered Mitch Hedberg. Went to Homecoming and saw a brazillion old friends.

9/4 "Not really... but here it is anyway." [haha... good one]

October
Bought tickets to four different concerts. Lost my job (after I'd already bought all the tickets... grreeaat). Read Into the Wild and found myself longing for adventure. Went to the world premier of Bella. Painted myself blue in the name of Halloween and was soon named "Smurfette... the cartoon whore" at my friends' House of Whorrors party.

10/1 "I just have to apologize for the lame-ity (lameness?) of my blog over the last week or so."

November
Thought I was going to embark on that adventure of mine by moving to Charlotte. Said "farewell" in my imagination to Dallas and grew more excited by the day about the big move. This pretty much encapsulated November. Oh and who could forget... I saw The Avett Brothers in concert. Oh and then at the end of the month, I found out I didn't get the job I thought I had and Charlotte became little more than a pipe dream.

11/4 "These are the celebrities I have supposedly looked like throughout all my transitions."

December
Decided I really did want to move to Charlotte and started contemplating how to make this possible without the job I didn't get. Applied for a number of jobs in Dallas (for good measure) and Charlotte... to no avail. Saw Iron & Wine in concert... FINALLY. Had a wonderful family Christmas. Got food poisoning. Got a job in Arlington (just south of Dallas). Am now facing the reality that I really won't be moving to Charlotte or anywhere else anytime soon.

12/2 "I'm still pretty creatively vacant."

So what can we ascertain (if, indeed, anyone other than me put themselves through this)? It's been a pretty terrible year and I'm ready for a fresh start. I was hoping Charlotte would be that fresh start, but I guess that particular start will have to wait till later. I'm not giving up on the hope that it still might one day be possible... but I am questioning my motives for wanting to move there... and I'm starting to question whether I really would be welcome there. It's hard being the new kid on the block, and I haven't been the "new kid" since 8th grade. Maybe moving and facing rejection in a new place would only create a plethora of new emotional trauma... and maybe the Lord is protecting me from that by keeping me here. Anyway... I'm just thinking out loud now.

The final conclusion I can come to through looking back at Notions 2007 is that I've really allowed my writing to suffer with me this year. One of my goals for 2008 is to amp it up and return to my roots (I honestly think 2006 was a much better "blog year" for me... as far as writing goes).

So anyway, I'm not going to tag anyone. But if you want to take a look back through your 2007 (through your blog, of course)... feel free.

Merry Christmas, Part 2

2007-12-25T23:33:00.000-06:00

The lovely Kelly asked me and a few others to fill out this Christmas-themed survey thing... so I figured, why not? I don't have much better to blog about now. So Kelly... this is for you :)

Four Favorite Christmas Songs:
1. "O Holy Night" (I'm with you Kelly... only when performed well)
2. "Once In Royal David's City" (particularly Sufjan's version... the crescendo when he says "child"... I get chills everytime)
3. "Carol of the Bells"
4. three-way tie between "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" "I Saw Three Ships" (again, Sufjan's version) and "O Come O Come Emmanuel"

Four Christmas Songs I Could Do Without Hearing Next Year:
1. "All I Want for Christmas" ... is you (vomit)
2. "Deck the Halls" (don't hate it... just not my favorite)
3. "Jingle Bells" (same here)
4. "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (so annoying)

Four Favorite Christmas Movies:
1. Elf
2. It's a Wonderful Life
3. A Christmas Story
4. tie between White Christmas and Home Alone

Four Foods I Eat Each Christmas:
1. Grandpa's grilled pork tenderloin
2. Mom's made-from-scratch potato rolls
3. lots of olives
4. my absolute favorite in the whole world... peanut butter cookies with the hershey kiss stuck in the middle

Four Christmas Traditions I Enjoy:
1. midnight mass.... even though I'm not even Catholic anymore, my dad is and we always go... it's one of my favorite services of the year
2. getting together with my extended family at Grandma and Grandpa's house... I truly adore my family, and we always have SO much fun
3. having Dad play Santa... hat and all... on Christmas morning even though he really hates Christmas
4. watching Home Alone and/or A Christmas Story with my brother and sister (and sometimes my parents)

Four Things I got for Christmas this year:
1. Scrabble ... Collector's Edition (now I can play in real life, too)
2. super-cute pajamas and matching slippers from Victoria's Secret (I look like candy)
3. collector's pop-up Wizard of Oz and Star Wars books (they're AWESOME)
4. handmade fingerless gloves from my aunt... they're unbelievable

Well... Merry Christmas to all... and partake if you want.

2007-12-24T00:56:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas

one & all!

I love you guys, and I hope your Christmases are grand.

The Power of Perfume

2007-12-20T12:28:00.001-06:00

After reading this post back in January, I decided (as usual) to go out and buy the book so I could read before watching. I know I know... "they make the movies so you don't have to read the books" ... but what can I say? I'm old fashioned. And I do love my books.

Well, it took me almost a year, but I finally took Perfume: The Story of a Murderer down from its shelf earlier this week, and last night I finished it. Holy smokes was it bizarre. Twisted. Irreverent. Fascinating. Eloquent. And again, bizarre. For those of you not familiar with the story, Perfume is the story of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille. Born and then abandoned by his wretch of a mother in the streets of eighteenth century Paris, it soon comes to light that this is no ordinary child. He is greedily hungry, anti-social, ugly and... worst of all... exudes no scent. At the same time, however, Grenouille possesses an uncanny ability to distinguish any scent... to identify it, locate it, dissect it... know it. He eventually goes to work for a perfumer, creating the most original, alluring scents in all of France. But on his quest to create the "ultimate perfume," Grenouille becomes a calculating, unfeeling murderer unlike any the world has ever known.

It seems impossible to capture exactly what I felt as I turned the pages of Perfume, but I'm going to try. The prose was elegant but readable, and I had a hard time putting the book down each night. This sentence, for me, stood out as one example of Patrick Suskind's mastery of the pen: "... he wallowed in disgust and loathing, and his hair stood on end at the delicious horror." You must admit... that's a sentence. But somehow, there were also moments that caused me to cringe... not in horror as the novel intends (which, to be sure... I did that, as well)... but in this case, I'm referring to the scents he sometimes described. There were times when I was utterly repulsed and wished he'd elected to abandon characterizing the odors of certain bodily parts and functions. For this reason, I don't know that I'd advise just anyone to read this book.

The thing I found so enticing about Perfume was the author's ability to do so much with scent. The way he described gardens, the streets of Paris, open graveyards, men, women and children... was amazing. As I said, some were conveyed so grotesquely that I wished I could erase the words from my memory... but I can't deny, they were conveyed shockingly well. And throughout, I found myself in awe of the way the author was able to elicit feelings and reactions I never would have imagined simply by depicting a scent.

If you want to read something entirely unique... beautiful and repulsive all at once... I highly recommend Perfume. Now I'm off to move this film to the top of my queue... and hope the filmmakers elected to leave some things to the imagination.

Please, Remember Me (cont...)

2007-12-19T12:26:00.000-06:00

Okay, in what I intended to be a pseudo-post but actually ended up being an adequate post... I mentioned I was going to have some pictures of the Iron & Wine show eventually. And here they are! Josiah got some really awesome shots at the concert last week, and I'm "borrowing" them for my blog. Note: we totally forgot to take any pictures of US at the concert... so, here are a few shots of Sam Beam and the rest of Iron & Wine. Enjoy...

at the Palladium Ballroom

killer band... pin-drop audience

I love him
(and yes... I think he looks like Jesus... at least, our impression of Jesus)

And I'm afraid this is going to have to do as my blog for the day. My mind is still an absolute haze from this stupid cold or sinus infection or whatever it is. I'm seriously considering that whole head chopping idea I mentioned before.

SO. EXCITED.

2007-12-18T21:41:00.000-06:00

Look!!!

Thanks Anton. You just made my year.

Mindless Meme

2007-12-18T10:58:00.000-06:00

I stole this meme from Rachel. The rules are to do a Google image search based on your answers to the following questions and post the first result:

How old will you be on your next birthday?

What is the name of a place you would like to visit?

What is your favorite place?

What are your favorite things?

What is your favorite food?

What is your favorite color?

What is your nickname?

Where were you born?

I'm not tagging people, 'cause I get the feeling most everyone's headed home for the holidays soon. But play if you want... and since I've got nothing better to do... I'm sure I'll see it and leave my two cents, as always.

Sick & Sore

2007-12-17T10:28:00.000-06:00

So, I spent 5 hours in an urgent care facility (supposedly faster than the ER... but 5 hours!? come on) because I moronically ran outside barefoot in 30 degree weather, tripped and landed on something that gashed two of my toes open to the bone. Now I have to nurse my little foot several times a day... and my arm hurts like Hell from the tetanus shot. It was a fun day.

And of course, after sitting in that little waiting room for 4 of those 5 hours, I was bound to catch something from one of the 30 or so other sick and/or injured people in the room. So now, not only am I limping around my little apartment while hopped up on ibuprofen, but I'm also curled up with a box of tissues wishing I could chop my head off because surely that would make me feel better.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm a magnet for misfortune. Really, it's probably just that I'm clumsy and careless... but when I want to feel sorry for myself, it's more useful to choose the first option.

All I Want Is You

2007-12-15T01:35:00.000-06:00

I saw Juno tonight, and I think I can safely say, this is one of my new favorite movies. I laughed... really hard and a lot. I cried a little (my friend cried a lot). And I felt really good throughout.

That said, it's hard to call this a "feel good" movie. When we left the theatre, I did call it a "feel good" movie and then we all stopped and agreed... that's probably not the best way to put it. This film definitely portrayed some really hard realities, and it didn't even try to make everything seem all sunshine and daisies (which, of course, is a good thing. Movies that do that piss me off.)

Juno (played exquisitely by Ellen Paige) is a 16 year old girl who finds herself pregnant after one night... well, I don't think I need to keep going here (but if you're confused, shoot me an e-mail and I'll do my best to explain). The film follows her as she finds herself "dealing with things way beyond [her] maturity level." From fellow students' blatant stares to happy-but-not-really couples unloading in front of her... Juno is a teenage girl carrying a huge weight (pun intended).

Michael Cera (George Michael from Arrested Development... if there was a way to insert a little heart right here, I would) is Paulie Bleeker... the father of Juno's child. Jason Bateman (also from Arrested Development) and Jennifer Garner play a young couple looking to adopt. There are also performances from Rainn Wilson (The Office), Allison Janney and J.K. Simmons. I have to say... while I loved almost everything about this movie... the casting really sealed the deal (well, that and the soundtrack... but I'll go into that later). Honestly, every role in this film was played to perfection.

We all agreed that the script felt a bit... scripty(?)... forced, perhaps. I don't know how to explain it, actually. It wasn't terrible, and in some weird way, I sort of liked it. I guess my friend Cara phrased it best: "It didn't sound high school... it sounded hipster." But the cast made up for it by truly owning their characters and making you believe these were real people who maybe just communicated a little awkwardly.

Framing this stellar cast, the art direction in Juno was some of the best I've seen in ages (as always, this is just my opinion). It was exactly what I was hoping it would be: Quirky, cool, a little nerdy at times, not cheesy in the "romantic-comedy" sense... and with an unbelievable soundtrack. Much of the soundtrack features Kimya Dawson of The Moldy Peaches and also includes songs by Belle & Sebastian, The Kinks, Sonic Youth and Buddy Holly. And perhaps my favorite song in the film is by an artist I've actually not heard of before: Barry Louis Polisar. Check out the lyrics (and GO SEE this movie!):

"All I Want Is You"

If I were a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I were a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
As long as you were with me, let the cold wind blow

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

Clarification

2007-12-14T12:48:00.000-06:00

I don't hate Texas. I don't have an aversion towards the state or the people or anything else. In fact... I quite like Texas and Texans.

It's just... I've lived here all my life, and I've never felt so strongly the desire for new scenery. I'm independent and love new people and places, and I never imagined I'd live in the DFW metroplex... or even in Texas... for so long.

And yes, I'm certain that much of this sudden longing to get away stems from the fact that I came so close with the Charlotte opportunity. And I'm definitely stubborn. Despite all my efforts to accept my circumstances and find peace with whatever my situation... once I get an idea in my head, you'll be hard-pressed to get it out. I got it in my head that I was finally going to see my dream of starting over in a new place come true, and now that stubborn side of me (if you can call it a side... I sort of think all of me is stubborn) has resolved to make this happen one way or another.

But despite my stubborn nature, you might be surprised (or perhaps not) to find... I'm also incredibly affected by the attitude and advice of those around me. I don't necessarily let this attitude change my resolve... but it does gnaw at me and make me question myself.

The truth is, I don't know why I want to leave so badly. I just know that I do, and I can't shake the desire. And I know that this decision/action is largely in my hands. If I really want to make it happen... I'll make it happen. I'm just facing so much discouragement from friends and family... combined with a little encouragement from some of you... that I keep second-guessing myself.

Anyway... I'm so sorry to keep bringing this up. I know you all get mad at me for apologizing so much (and I promise, you're not the only ones... it's a common theme in my life). But I also know, this has got to be getting old... I know it's getting old for me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what to do and how to do it and how to convince other people it's okay for me to do it, etc. So forgive me. And please also understand... I'm really okay, on the whole. I write and probably sound desperate and awful... but I'm not. This is just where I get my thoughts sorted out and get to hear lovely advice and encouragement from all of you. But don't worry too much about me. I am and will continue to be okay.

Hmmm...

2007-12-13T18:25:00.000-06:00

I think I have heartburn. But I haven't even eaten today. I'm confused.

I really want to leave Texas. But I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. This makes me sad.

Maybe this is why I have heartburn. I'm pretty sure it's the reason I'm not eating much.

Life is hard.

Conjuring Creativity

2007-12-11T00:00:00.000-06:00

For what feels like the millionth night in succession, creativity is eluding me entirely. I've been staring at this screen for who knows how long, and I still have nothing. I entered an old poem in a poetry contest this evening, and I was hoping that, by reading through old stuff and selecting what to submit, I might feel recharged... ready to write wherever the wind blew me. But sadly, I'm finding no such luck.

I thought it might be fun to pull out the old Pocket Muse and see if it might stir something. So here goes... The entry I've selected calls me to use the following words in a paragraph:

homeland / flummoxed / uncles / fanfare / last rites / tomcat

Here goes...

It was unusually warm for January, and I walked outside barefoot to retrieve the morning paper. As I meandered back inside, not yet ready to begin dressing for the day, I glanced at the front page. THREAT TO HOMELAND SECURITY glared up at me, and I shrugged as I chucked the paper into the pile just inside the front door. "What else is new?" I muttered to myself and shuffled into the kitchen. I had just put the kettle on when the echo of my mother's voice rang in my ears, "January 27... don't forget to call your uncles." Her twin brothers were 50 today; and as I lived 4,000 miles away, I wouldn't be attending the big family to-do my grandmother had planned.

I knew my parents were disappointed I wasn't making the trip home, but really... they're just turning 50... is all this fanfare really necessary? At 28, the idea of turning any age had sort of lost it's steam. But I knew the real reason they were upset had nothing to do with my uncles' big birthday party. The real reason for their frustration revolved around the fact that I hadn't, in fact, been home in more than three years. Since I'd decided to move to London after Luke died, I just hadn't made the trip back. I knew it would be hard for them when I first broke the news, and I was truly flummoxed when they responded with... "Ah yes, we thought you'd react this way. Just be careful, and promise you'll come visit every once and again." It was only a few months later that I found out they never really believed I'd go.

The whistle signaling my morning tea was ready startled me back to reality. Oh god. It's 7:30... if I don't leave soon my boss'll be reading me my last rites. I grabbed my tea and ran upstairs. In less than 15 minutes, I was out the front door and headed for the tube. As I scurried to make the 8 o'clock train, I stumbled over a tomcat marking his territory and collided face first into the shoulder of some unsuspecting gentleman headed in the opposite direction. "Pardon me, miss." I glanced up and my voice caught in my throat. The gentleman I'd careened into was none other than...

Okay. I guess that'll do for now. If there's one thing I've learned from all the many many writing classes I've taken and the books I've read on writing from authors everywhere and from every age and genre... it's that if you're going to write... you have to learn to write badly. This is hard for me. I'm not saying everything (or even anything) that I write is brilliant or even good. But it's hard for me to hit "publish post" on a blog, turn in to an editor, even show to a friend... anything that I don't feel at least a twinge of pride in. This may be surprising looking back at so many of the lame blogs I've written and subsequently posted over the last two years... but most of the time, if I don't like it... I don't "publish" it.

But that's why I love this little book. If and when I decide to utilize it, I follow the rules. I use the prompt. Give myself a set amount of time (usually no more than half an hour) and just write. And I tell myself in advance that I'm going to hit "publish post" no matter what comes out. So there you have it.

And as always when I do these little exercises, feel free to see what you can conjure up. And let me know if you do... I'd love to see what any or all of you create.

Please, Remember Me

2007-12-10T00:00:00.000-06:00

I won't say too much tonight because (one) it's late and (two) I hope to have some awesome photos from Josiah very soon... BUT... I can't wait to say that tonight. was. awesome.

The Iron & Wine show was all that I hoped it would be and more. I had heard that audiences at Sam Beam's concerts were quiet (after all, this is a soft spoken man both in song and speech)... but I had no idea to expect this. You could have heard a pin drop between songs. He even joked about it a few times telling us, "Geez. You guys should be quiet..." and a whisper of laughter would move through the crowd.

He was suffering from a cold and apologized for it... but I can't imagine him putting on a more perfect set. Granted... I don't think I've ever been so awed by a musician in my life, so I'll admit I'm probably a tad biased. His voice is pure and melodic... his musical talent is phenomenal... and his lyrics seem to be divinely inspired (well... except for the fact that he's agnostic and sings often of his surprising lack of faith despite having been raised in the Bible belt).

I said I wasn't going to say too much, and I've already gone and said more than I intended. But I've been looking forward to tonight for months now; and instead of being let down by my high expectations, I was blown away. I don't see Sam getting knocked off that musical pedestal I've got him on for a long time. I hope those of you who aren't familiar give him a chance sometime.

And if you do... I'd start with one of these two albums: Woman King or The Shepherd's Dog. The latter is his newest album and not as "slow" as some of the others. And Woman King is one of the most lyrically penetrating albums I've ever heard [ladies... you want to feel fascinating and empowered... listen to this album].

I'll be back (whenever Josiah sends them to me) with pictures and maybe even a video (he also shot some footage of a few songs). Till then... "Please, remember me... fondly" -from I&W's "Trapeze Swinger"

Keeping Track

2007-12-07T14:26:00.000-06:00

I've decided to post a list of all the DVDs I own because I loan them out so often that I've started forgetting who has what, and it's frustrating me. I imagine there are even movies I've completely forgotten about now collecting dust in someone's else's video cabinet. So to at least prevent that last statement from holding true any longer...

This is a list of DVDs currently on my shelf:

Trainspotting
The Hours
How to Steal a Million
Garden State
A League of Their Own
Almost Famous
Forrest Gump
Big Fish
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
The Incredibles
Finding Nemo
Dr. Strangelove
Fight Club
Mystic River
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
True Romance
Million Dollar Baby
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Finding Neverland
North by Northwest
Phantom of the Opera
The Parent Trap
Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man
America's Sweethearts
Sense and Sensibility
The Virgin Suicides
Down with Love
The Emperor's New Groove
Pillow Talk
To Catch a Thief
Thank You For Smoking
Little Miss Sunshine
Elf
Mary Poppins
McLintock!
Charade
Invisible Children
Sunset Boulevard
Robin Hood (the cartoon)
Romeo & Juliet
Ever After
Moulin Rouge
Arsenic and Old Lace
Sleepy Hollow
300
Snatch
The Sword and the Stone
The Princess Bride
Young Frankenstein
Cars
The Inspector General
Alice in Wonderland
The Fox & the Hound
Ocean's Eleven
Ocean's Twelve
Napoleon Dynamite
Spiderman
Spiderman 2
Van Helsing (why do I own this... anyone want it?)
Rebel Without a Cause
50 First Dates
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe
Life Aquatic
Capote
Harvey
good night and good luck
Chocolat
Dear Frankie
The Science of Sleep
The Manchurian Candidate
The Royal Tenenbaums
A Lot Like Love
The Proposition
Love Actually
The Aviator
Pulp Fiction
Miracle
Scoop
13 Going On 30
The Last of the Mohicans
Hairpsray
Notting Hill
Dumb and Dumber
Memoirs of a Geisha (another one I'm not sure why I own)
Paris When it Sizzles
Hidalgo
Lord of the Rings - all three extended editions
Star Wars - the box set with "Bonus Material"
Harry Potter - all of the two disc versions
Pirates of the Carribean - all three
Indiana Jones - the box set
Wizard of Oz
White Christmas
Casablanca
Memento
The Neverending Story
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Gangs of New York
Kill Bill, Volumes 1 & 2
High Fidelity
Hot Fuzz (3 disc Collector's Edition)
Pan's Labyrinth
The Departed (Collector's Edition)
Cinema Paradiso
Run Lola Run
Pride & Prejudice
Amelie

all ten seasons of Friends
all three seasons of Arrested Development
all three seasons of The Office

movies I need to get back:

The Departed (this is the one that's been driving me crazy! I can't, for the life of me, figure out who I lent this to. Any takers?)
The Pianist

movies I have on video (yeah... I'm a little bit old school):

Gone With the Wind
Shall We Dance
Swing Time
Top Hat
While You Were Sleeping
Life is Beautiful
Big Daddy
Keeping the Faith
When Harry Met Sally
Steel Magnolias
The Truman Show
The Cutting Edge
The Little Princess
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Roman Holiday
My Fair Lady
The African Queen
Chicago
That Touch of Mink
The Maltese Falcon
Sabrina
The Graduate
Swordfish
The Hunt for Red October
Circle of Friends
The Usual Suspects
Romancing the Stone
About a Boy
Tommy Boy
So I Married an Axe Murderer
American Madness
The Sound of Music
Monsters, Inc.
Grease

This was really a pointless post for anyone who's not me... me or the person who has The Departed. But I'm hoping it will help me keep better track. As I get new movies, I can keep updating my list. And why did I make it public instead of just making a word document, you ask...

Because it's more fun this way. I don't have anything to blog about today. And if anyone wants to peruse my library and borrow something, now you can.
Happy Weekend :)

Random Christmastime Musings

2007-12-06T12:48:00.000-06:00

I like having a Christmas ringtone during the holidays. So I decided to go to Cingular's Web site and pick me out somethin' nice. I found "Carol of the Bells" sung by The Bird and The Bee. Well "Carol of the Bells" is one of my very favorite Christmas songs... and this version was lovely. So I bought it (who knew ringtones are $3 now!?! ridiculous!). Now this is what I hear every time my phone rings: "Shweet shilver bellsh... Chrishtmash ish here..." That's right. My phone plays the otherwise beautiful "Carol of the Bells" with a lateral lisp.
It's really difficult to feel like Christmas is almost here when it's 70 degrees outside. Of course, at night it's in the 30s and 40s... but still. I shouldn't be able to run around in a t-shirt and flip flops in December.
I think I actually like eggnog. But I can never drink it because it's called "eggnog"
Listening to Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas, baking lots of goodies for all my college friends (our annual Christmas party is this Friday) and burning a Christmas Wreath candle are helping put me in the mood a little bit.
My apartment is small. So I'm thinking about going to Urban Outfitters and buying that adorable Charlie Brown Christmas tree they have. It's just so hard for me not to have a Christmas tree... and at least this one won't shed. Plus, I love the story of this tree and the meaning surrounding it in the timeless Christmas movie. And if I wasn't extra poor right now, I'd also get this because the proceeds go to a children's foundation called Project Linus. I'd make this my Christmas tree skirt... if only.
The women at my church are having an ornament exchange tonight, and I feel like I should go. But I've got a lot to do (of course, instead I'm sitting here writing a blog... priorities??? Nah) and I don't have anywhere to put an ornament anyway. I know it's more about the fellowship, etc... but still. I kinda don't want to go.
I'm having trouble this year really dwelling on the "reason for the season" ... if you will. I hate that. But I'm also not wrapped up in the commercialism, really. I'm just sort of floating through the season. Only really remembering it's the season when I see Christmas lights or see a store all decked out in red and green trees and snowflakes and whatever else they've decided represent the holiday season. Our church has a great family worship guide to lead families through the Christmas season. But I'm not a family. I'm just me... and the longer I'm just me, the more detached I find myself becoming from holidays and their meanings. I instead find myself viewing holidays as time off, bad traffic and sometimes fun music. I don't like this.
Perhaps another reason I'm not in the Christmas spirit right now is the fact that I've not yet been able to watch all my favorite holiday movies. So far I've watched Elf three times and will most likely watch it a few more times (that movie makes me laugh out loud every time). But still on my agenda, I hope, are the following must-sees: A Christmas Story, The Grinch, Charlie Brown Christmas, Home Alone (absolutely essential), White Christmas (flinch all you want, guys. I love it), Christmas Vacation and hopefully... if there's time... It's a Wonderful Life. I'm sure there are others I'd love to see. But these are vital.
Why does holiday food taste so darn good? And since it tastes so good, why do we only eat it during the holidays? Oh... I know. 'Cause otherwise we'd all weigh 700 pounds.
If you want to deck the wall of your computer screen with something festive and awesome, check out Bearskinrug. He designed some killer wrapping paper for some company's Christmas party and then made a desktop wall paper application out of the same design. It's decking my computer screen right now. I heart Bearskinrug.
Well... I'm sure I've got lots more thoughts on the holidays (see what I did there? that was my Seus-ian sentence)... but I gotta go finish baking.
Merry (18 days 'til) Christmas!

Dreading Dependency

2007-12-05T23:59:00.001-06:00

For a while now I've been hoping to express my gratitude to friends, family, my church and (most importantly) the Lord for blessings and provision I can't even begin to relate. But lately... I don't really feel anything and therefore don't know how to express anything. At least, not anything real. I just went through and read several old posts (I seem to be doing this a lot lately), and evidently this is not an uncommon experience for me. Every few months, I seem to go through a period of apathy bordering on angst. And apparently, I'm entering (or hopefully about to emerge from) another such period.

I can't put my finger on exactly what it is that sends me into these periods, and that frustrates me. Actually... that's a lie. There is a certain medication that when I'm taking it consistently, I am consistently sane... expressive... capable of emotion... joyful even. And for the last month and a half, I've been unable to purchase said medication.

For some reason, this is STILL hard for me to admit. I've always hated the idea of any sort of dependency. And it's becoming more obvious by the year that I am dependent on this drug. Ugh... dependency makes me shudder. And this, my friends, is also the answer to another question I've been asking myself lately: Why, after all I've survived, is my faith still so small?

And that revulsion I have regarding dependency... that's my answer. I am utterly and physically repulsed by the idea that I might be dependent on anything or anyone other than myself. THIS is my problem. Faith is all about dependency. And while I hate that I am dependent... I also know that I must be. Every fiber of my being seems to scream out, "I can (and should) handle this myself!" And yet circumstance... experience... life has shown me that I'm, in no way, capable.

It would have been impossible for me to survive the events of this year outside of the faith I cling to. I know this. I tell everyone this. I really, truly, unequivocally know this. And yet, I walk around with my head held high, feeling entitled to my fear and angst... feeling empowered by all that I've survived... feeling bitter towards anyone who regards me with anything less than admiration and a touch of sympathy. How twisted is my soul... how warped my understanding of faith?

But while I want to wallow in guilt and grief at what I see in myself... I take comfort knowing this is not what He sees when He looks at me. He has carried me through all of this. He has placed me in a church body that has embraced me, supported me (spiritually and financially) and cared for me. He has given me strength to survive and keep moving forward. He has given me rest when I needed it most. When He looks at me... He sees a beloved daughter. And even though my instincts tell me I can do it on my own. My faith reminds me that it's okay... and necessary for my survival... to crawl up onto His shoulders and allow Him to carry me through whatever terrors and whatever blessings might befall me.

I am grateful. I don't have the words to express this. But I am grateful. And hopefully soon I'll be able to feel it. I'll be reminded of that dreaded dependency; and my steps will be more certain... my burden much lighter. And maybe then I'll be able to say "thank you" and it will be obvious how much I mean it.

addendum: I don't mean to say, in any of this, that I am repulsed by my faith. That couldn't be further from the truth. I was simply confessing my own sinful nature to want to govern myself. I know that for people who don't believe as I do, this is a horrifying concept. That it would be "sinful" to want to lord over your own life as opposed to surrendering to a sovereign God. But it's what I believe. And I'm happy to believe it. I can honestly say, every time I've taken the reigns and tried to do things on my own... my life has gone haywire. But when I surrender to live as I know He would have me live and make decisions that align with His provision... I breathe easier and feel secure in where I am.

And neither is any of this to say that I don't believe in a God who gives us free will. It may seem confusing, but I believe in a sovereign God who guides the universe and has a (good) plan for our lives... and that He also gives us entirely free will to make decisions (good and bad) within that plan. It's the great paradox of the Christian faith... and understand me when I say: It's a paradox... not a contradiction.

All the same...

2007-12-04T00:01:00.000-06:00

Tonight was a good night. For dinner I ate a gingerbread man with white frosting and M&M buttons. My friend Jenn bought him for me, and he tasted delightful. I wanted to take another friend, Cara, out for dinner because today (Monday) was her birthday. But instead we went to the Senior Design Show at TCU where I ran into about 20 friends. I was confused by this. I graduated from TCU four (and some change) years ago and have lived in Dallas for the past year and a half. I shouldn't still run into so many friends at a student function for a school I graduated from almost five years ago, should I? All the same... it was lovely.

I talked A LOT tonight. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it's all this sitting around all by myself I've been doing. I don't know... but whatever it is, I couldn't shut up. And somehow it was okay because no one seemed annoyed and everyone listened (apparently) eagerly. I've been made fun of for talking too much all my life, and the fact that people now seem okay with it... to like it even... blows me away. All the same... sometimes I wish I didn't talk so much.

Before the gingerbread man and design show, I had my tattoo touched up. Because my wrist isn't a very fleshy area, some of the ink was pulled out when the initial scabs fell off. Thankfully, The Salty Dog (I'm not linking the site because it's got some disturbing/questionable material and remember... I'm PG) does free touch-ups for a year following a tattoo job. Finally I got around to getting an appointment. And oh my holy heck it hurt... more than the first time. If you don't have a high threshold for pain, I don't recommend getting your wrist tattooed. I grimaced a lot... and I do have a high threshold for pain. All the same... I think it's worth it.

While driving to and fro between Dallas and Fort Worth tonight, I finally had the chance to listen to three of Kyle's "Music Monday" mixes. And folks... they were fantastic. If you want to, weekly, get your hands on some kick-a$$ music and to read reviews of said kick-a$$ music by an expert writer on the subject... please check out The Foggiest. You'll thank me (and hopefully Kyle) later. I just realized, I don't have an "all the same" statement for this paragraph. Does this ruin the parallelism?

I just got Jarhead and Shaun of the Dead in the mail from Blockbuster and Netflix (respectively). And I'm excited. I think I might start with Jarhead just to put something serious between Darjeeling and Shaun. I'm giddy to see Shaun (FINALLY!!!), but at least with Jarhead I get to see Jake wearing (just) a Santa hat [sorry Dad... that was probably too much information]. Actually, I probably need more funny in my life right now than... well... "just." All the same... I'm really eager to see both movies.

(do I say "yum" too much?)

By the way... does anyone know where the phrase "All the same" even came from? I'm sure I could find out by Googling it... but it's more fun to see if any of you know the answer. G'night.

Writing at Both Ends of the Swimming Pool

2007-12-03T00:26:00.000-06:00

I saw Darjeeling Limited tonight. I got the urge to go see a movie this afternoon and checked online... was reminded I hadn't seen this yet... and decided to see a 9:40 showing at the Angelika by myself. I love going to movies by myself. It's oddly liberating, and it's been months since I did it. Maybe I'll go to another one later this week. Oh, and I absolutely LOVED Darjeeling. I know a lot of you probably think I just love all movies. I don't. But even if you think that, I've decided I don't care. I'd rather enjoy a lot of movies for various reasons than be really picky and hard to please. I'm not an idiot who just grins and embraces everything... but I like to try to find the good (except in Good Luck Chuck... no good in that one). And I also try to only see movies I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy. And I adore Anderson's style. In the opening scene I was already grinning... as I was reminded why it is I love him so much.
I started Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut on Friday night, and I'll finish the book as soon as I wrap up this blog. I'm surprised what a quick read this book has been. I love Vonnegut's style. I wouldn't want to read it all the time, but it's perfect for him... and it's perfect for the telling of this story. I really am enjoying the book and wishing I'd discovered it earlier in life. However, I think there's timing to everything, and perhaps I wasn't meant to read it before now. But I will add... I think it's putting me in a rather dark place... maybe that part's not so great.
Actually, I don't think Kurt is putting me in a dark place. I think I'm just in one. I've been in denial -- and I don't think I'm ready to come out of it entirely yet -- but I'll admit it. I think I might be bitter with God right now. I don't mean to be... and I don't feel it. I'm not seething or boiling or throwing a tantrum. I'm not really doing anything. I think that's the problem. I'm sort of holding God at arm's length... telling everyone I'm just fine and that God's getting me through this... blah blah blah. But the truth is, my faith is small. And I don't understand why I'm going through all that I'm going through. And I don't want to go through it anymore. So I just keep walking with my head down and not dealing with me or God or this dark place. And for those of you who read this and love me... please don't try to help me. I'm not ready yet.
I also feel very lost right now. I think I'm subconsciously pulling away from a lot of people here because I want so much to leave. And the thought that I'm going to be here for a long time still, makes me want to cry. And I feel lost because I really want to understand why I want to leave. Why I want to go to Charlotte, of all places. Why I think I hate Dallas so much. A friend tells me I don't have to have a "why" ... that I just need to embrace this and find a way to go. But while I'm an incredibly spontaneous person in so many ways... when it comes to something like this, I want... need to know why.
I'm starting to care too much whether people comment on my blog. I hate this, and I hate myself for it. I really did start this blog just for me. For a long time, no one really read it except for Anton, my dad and an occasional straggler. Then Red came along... then Adam... then Asterisk. And now I have a little community. While I still blog for me in the sense that I don't put much thought into what you guys will or won't like to read... and I still blog about things I need to get off my chest, so to speak... at the same time, I find myself wondering what I did or said wrong to make people not comment or disappear. I gotta get over that. Because I don't want to stop writing... and I've got to face it... some of you are going to stay, and I'm sure some of you are going to go. And that can't be my problem. I have to do this for me -- when I want and how I want. And I hope you stay... but if you don't... farewell, I guess.
I think Taco Bell is better than Taco Bueno. Neither is awesome. Both are pretty unhealthy. But Bell is cheaper and tastes better (in my humble opinion). And Bueno keeps making me feel sick. I'm not going to eat at Taco Bueno anymore.
The weather here sucks. I got out of church today and it was sunny and 75 degrees. Then I came home, sat around for a while listening to the wind start to howl, and when I went back outside it was 40 degrees. And it says online that tomorrow it'll be 70 degrees again. I know some people think it's fun, but I hate Texas weather.
Sometimes it feels good to just be honest and call myself a bastard. Robert taught me that. I don't know that he meant to. I don't think he ever meant for me to call myself a bastard... but he calls himself that often. And I've found myself doing it, too. Because the truth is... I am. Not literally, obviously... I have an amazing father and I'm not a man. But in the "jerk" sense of the word... I totally am. I'm cruel and hateful and arrogant in my thoughts and, often, in my reactions. I hate that... but I don't know how not to be. If I've ever done or said anything bastardy to you... please forgive me. I'll probably do it again... but please know, I don't know why I do, and I promise I'll try to stop.
People who leave anonymous comments really concern Ben. I think he is more intrigued to know who my "anonymous" commentator from a couple of days ago is than I am. So if you come back and would like to reveal yourself... Ben would be most appreciative. [And you flatter me beyond anything I deserve, btw. I wish I knew who you were so that I could properly thank you for your kind words and thoughtful encouragement. You blessed me.]
I'm tired. Good night (or for those of you reading this... good morning).

Procrastinating

2007-12-02T13:20:00.000-06:00

I'm still pretty creatively vacant. So in the meantime...

here's a mindless survey, courtesy of the lovely Cara. Feel free to fill it out, if you so desire.

--------------------------------------------------

Where did you go on your last vacation?
Fayetteville, Arkansas

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
I'm not good at this game. So I'll copy Cara... where do YOU see me in 5 years?

How many speeding tickets have you gotten?
two

What do you think of the iPhone?
another one of those things that, before it existed, we were fine. now suddenly I meet people every day who say they can't live without one. that makes me hate it.

What do you think of winter?
I wish we had one.

At what age do you plan on having kids?
I don't know that I "plan" on having kids. The more I babysit groups of children, the more I think... "Boy it's nice that I get to go home and leave these things with their parents." Haha... perhaps that means I shouldn't have any.

Do you keep your closets organized?
Not remotely

If you moved out of state where would you go?
Charlotte (??), New Zealand (some day) ... am pretty open to just about anywhere. Except Oklahoma.

What do your shower curtains look like?
Well... I only have one shower curtain. And it's awesome.

How do you make eggs?
scrambled with tomatoes, light pepper and salt

Where do you wash your clothes?
Martha's (hey Cara! me too!! ;)

What are your thoughts on Tom Cruise?
psy-cho (said in a sing-song voice)

What is the next vehicle you wish to buy?
I'm perfectly content with the one I have now, actually. My next car may just be a newer version.

What would be the best gift someone could get you right now?
Aside from a great job? ... hmmm... I really want a digital camera or this chair from IKEA.

What is something in your home that you collect?
books and movies

What is the oldest thing in your fridge?
who knows

On your keyboard what key is wearing out from pressing it so much?
(same here, Cara) the space bar

How old will you be in 2010?
29

What actor/actress would play you in a movie?
I don't know... I don't think any celebrities look like me. If they did, they probably wouldn't be celebrities. Maybe Ginnifer Goodwin. And don't get me wrong... she's adorable! But she's the only actress anyone has said looks like me, and I sort of (barely) can see it. But I would LOVE it if Zooey Deschanel played me. I heart her.

If you were starving to death would you eat a pet?
Never

Ever been to Alabama?
Yep. I even went on a road trip to the Mobile Bowl back in college. We lost. Oh well.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
who knows

Last movie you saw?
Enchanted... hahaha... I know. But seriously, it was really cute. A total estrogen fest... but really cute.

Are you happy right now?
Yeah. I'm happy most of the time, actually. I'm a happy pessimist :)

What was the last museum you went to?
The Modern in Fort Worth for the Ron Mueck exhibit

What are you listening to?
right now I'm sitting in silence. it's quite nice, actually.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
I'm actually pretty content in this moment. Maybe an ice cream cone?

Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Kenze

How do you feel about your hair right now?
I'm excited it's growing quickly... but these in-between months are going to suck.

Do you have any expensive jewelry?
My TCU ring is probably the most expensive piece I own.

Where does most of your family live?
Texas... all over.

Do you drink beer?
Yes... but not often.

Who do you miss?
Robert... Kyo... my cousins... college friends

Do you have any talents?
nothing spectacular. I can cross my eyes and move one back and forth. It creeps people out.

Ever met someone famous?
Emmit Smith, Troy Aikman, Daryl Johnson, Phil Mickelson, Aaron Baddeley... for a non-sports enthusiast, I sure have met a lot of famous athletes

Do you want to be famous one day?
not really. I think it would be neat to be known in literary circles, but I don't really have any desire beyond that. [Hi. My name is Martha Elaine Belden, and I'm a nerd.]

Ever been to Disneyland/world [or, as Mackenzie likes to call it... The Magic Kingdom]?
nope

Last thing you cooked?
chocolate chip cookies [red, asterisk, Shea... I promise I'm going to send you some VERY SOON!]

Do you like anyone right now?
I like lots of people... but I know what this question is really getting at and the answer is... not really. But I like the idea of someone.

Notions on Being...

It Turns Out

Bridges and Dreams

Let's Make Magic

Resurrecting the Ruined

I Want to Be Well

I Can't Remember

Visions

Feel What I Feel

Turn On the Light

Just for Red

I Hope it Dies

Still Here

Looking Back

Lessons Learned interviews Notions on Being

Forever Young

'Tis the Season

Notions on Being meets Shea of the Dead

My Futile Discourse

Ruthie's Coming Home!

Photo meme

and... Just for Fun

Rock and Review

The Accident, II

The Accident

Nuggets of Notions

The Ballad of Love and Hate

My Favorite Number

Embrace the Insanity, For Sanity's Sake

Drama Drama Drama

Emotional Masochism

From Rachel - 34/100

Awesome

I'm Alive

Just for you Anton(io)

Indy's Back

RADIOHEAD

Daydreams and Discoveries

It's About Time...

I suck

GO MAVS!

...

Help me...

Resolution

Hate in My Heart

Out of Practice... and a List

Confession

When's Nap Time?

Survival

HOLY *expletive* CRAP

To Do: #1 - Procrastinate

A few things, just to break the hiatus...

Contentment ≠ Creativity

Holy Awesome

Wonderful(ly Weird) Weekend

i have a camera!

My Sin is Showing

That's Right...

I'll Probably Regret this, but...

Feb 14... Just Got Happier

I Don't Want to Fight Anymore :)

I Need a Nap

Hook Me Up

"the ones with the 'G' on their helmet..."

Breathtaking

Seven 8s

It's About Time!

I Got Sunshine, In a Bag

Another Hollywood Tragedy

A.MEN.

God Is Good

I Hear You, Hope!

Deep Breath...

A New Favorite

politics

Get Out of the Rocking Chair

Dark Thoughts

In My Wildest Dreams

...

Together As One

HOLY expletive CRAP